


Even Ground

by Lonewritersclub



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Telltale Series (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Arkham Asylum, Batjokes, Batman The Enemy Within, Brooding, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Friends To..., Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I think it's nice?, Lovers?, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Touching, Two Endings, post s2e05, vigilante joker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-04-13 13:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 26,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14113197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonewritersclub/pseuds/Lonewritersclub
Summary: Bruce visits him every Tuesday.





	1. Missing the Uneven

_Visitor for John Doe._

The small hatch in the door opens up. John's green head pops up behind it. 

_Bruce!_

There isn’t another bed in John’s room like before as he isn’t allowed roommates anymore. Instead there’s a metal table with two flimsy metal chairs on either side of it for visitation purposes however it reminds Bruce more of an interrogation area. He decides to take one of the chairs and bring it over to John’s bed where he’s sitting instead.

Bruce takes a seat in front of him with a kind smile. John looks absolutely giddy. 

_I'm so happy you came to see me, Bruce! Oh, it's been horrible to be back in here even though at one point I almost considered this my home. After being with you on the outside, it feels that's where I belong. Out in the city in the night under all those neon lights and loud sounds - out there with you._

John's eyes glaze over like he's dreaming about it. Bruce doesn't know quite what to say but he's worried.

 _But_ _you do understand why you have to be here, don't you?_

John's smile turns upside down and there's a glint of a glare in his eyes as he looks at Bruce.  _I know..._

Bruce wants to talk about something else. He looks over to John's bedside table where there’s that photo of them where Bruce’s face is taken out of another photograph. It's framed but there's no glass cover. 

It's a surprisingly sunny day today in Gotham. The light flows in through the slightly muddy window of John's room and casts shadows of the two of them onto the tiled floor. 

_Have you been out in the yard already? It's a beautiful day._

Bruce looks at John but the man is staring at his own two slipper clad feet instead. 

_They don't let me go outside yet._

Bruce brows knit together with sadness. 

_But that's fine. I get easily sunburned anyway._

He gives Bruce a toothy smile with even his eyes crinkling at the corners that makes Bruce feel instantly a bit more relieved. That's when he realizes that all John wants to do is make Bruce feel good - to make him smile - despite everything that's happened.

Bruce feels sick as he leaves – a sudden sunken feeling dropping to the bottom of his stomach like a heavy rock sinking into a well.

 _He’s_ the reason John’s back in here, where the lights are too bright and the ground too even. 

Bruce finds himself the second moment in the visitor bathroom heaving into a dirty toilet on shaky knees and cold sweat running down his back.

Bruce couldn't even give John a proper photograph where he's smiling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone else left in tears after seeing the episode? (SPOILERS AHEAD)
> 
> Oh ma gad, it was such amazing and touching voice acting at the end there with Joker in the control room, voice all raspy and broken from Batman shocking him so badly but him just telling Bruce how he couldn't be mad at him even though he had all the right to be for using him so selfishly - he had that good of a time with him despite knowing he was being betrayed as John wanted to look the other way because he loved Bruce too much to possibly end it by demanding equal treatment. But never receiving enough honest care and love from Bruce eventually drove him off the bent. All John wanted was to be accepted by Batman who he so looked up to, who he was aspired to be like - instead he had to find himself in the villain's shoes because he couldn't look the other way anymore when Bruce took it too far. 
> 
> At least there right at the end, where Bruce visits him, Joker's a bit more like John again - a lost loyal puppy without a proper owner to care for him - so I hope he isn't left too bitter about what happened. Then again, I also feel so bad for John and just want to spank Bruce for being such an idiot. Here you've got a, sure a bit messed up, but a loving and loyal man with innocence in his heart - all he would have needed was to truly be able to trust Bruce and have his gentle guidance to let him know good from bad. Instead he got beaten up, zapped and shipped back to Arkham by the very man he so admired. 
> 
> God, you can probably tell I'm still rather salty about this whole thing. Well, I guess I am. No. I am. I really am. Fuck you Bruce. 
> 
> More importantly, though, I was waiting for the visit to happen, because Bruce knows that he did wrong by John: John's not alright in the head and he used him - what did he expect really? And John is still his buddy, he can't just leave him in Arkham like that having done what he did to him. They could still patch it up. 
> 
> I know it's the end but I think this could open up a whole new world for the two of them where they could be on slightly more even ground. However, I don't know how that would go seeing John is rather destined to be the Joker either way, Batsy's arch enemy, which by the way, I think they executed so well in the game. It was truly heartbreaking but then they came back around to shower you clean with bittersweet and teary fluff in the way of the visit in the end.
> 
> Such an emotional and captivating scene. But why wouldn't they let me romance J, huh? That's... that was always the obvious route to go but no, they had to break my baby's heart. John really does feel like a lost cause to me now but in the way of how he can't stand up for himself when it comes to Bruce or Batman. It's just so unfair for him.
> 
> Anyway, next chapter on Tuesday :) I'll be doing little oneshots into Bruce's visits of John.


	2. Fighting Back Honesty

Bruce has a board meeting on Mondays and others littered throughout the rest of the business week. 

Why he chose to see John on Tuesdays came first by accident. It was the only day he managed to squeeze himself in within the visiting hours. Then he learned John also had art therapy on Tuesdays.

Bruce thought it would be nice for John if he had at least one day a week when there would plenty of things happening he enjoyed.

So there he is again standing by John’s room as the nurse announces him in and then unlocks the door. Bruce doesn’t mean to but catches himself automatically memorizing the code for the locking system. Sometimes he can't push away the Batman in him even if he tried. Well, he cannot forget the code now but it’s not as if he's planning on ever misusing the information anyway. 

Still, there’s a funny feeling in the back of Bruce’s mind when he enters the room.

John shows him a card trick he says he has just learned. They sit by the table this time for this specific purpose.

He tells him to pick a card. Bruce gets the Jack of Diamonds. John shuffles the cards in a mesmerizing manner and then flips out one of them between two fingers and holds out the Joker card to Bruce. The look on John's face shouts happy anticipation. 

_Is this your card?_

It's not the Jack of Diamonds but Bruce says it is his card because it doesn’t feel like lying. John smiles at him so wide Bruce fears he might just split his cheeks. John goes back to shuffling.

Bruce looks at his hands on the table and flexes them absentmindedly. There’s something he’s been meaning to tell John for a while now but hasn’t found the right time for it. It will definitely kill the mood but he should just say it now.

_Uh… John, I wanted to apologize to you for doubting you before - about Riddler. I should have trusted you but…_

The cards rattle against the metal table.

_But you didn’t._

Bruce watches John’s nifty pale fingers work around the cards gracefully. On his right hand a very visible scar glares at Bruce, still reddish. The batarang scar when Bruce had to detain John. It turns his stomach into knots. Bruce has to look away and swallow down forcibly the lump in his throat.

_John…_

Suddenly the cards are slammed down onto the table and John stands up at a cracking pace. He's towering over Bruce, his green eyes full of fury and menace. There's growl in his voice. 

_It’s Joker now!_

Bruce stares at him in silence eyes wide. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t afraid.

But he doesn't fear for himself even when John’s hands clench into tight flinching fists by his sides and Bruce immediately recalls the way they bashed against his jaw and chest, and the bruises they left behind on his skin for weeks. 

He’s worried John may do something that will only result pain and regret for him. Bruce doesn’t want this to end badly for him. In another week in solitary. In another week of depression. In another week Bruce can't see him.

John's shaking. Something seems to unravel inside him. Art therapy won’t help them now.

_You put me in here, Bruce! This is your fault! All I ever wanted was to do good by you. I wanted to be a hero just like you so you would accept me for more than just your ‘wack job buddy John’._

He's drawn in on himself. A sob escapes him.     

_But I guess I failed._

Bruce wants to say sorry more than ever.

_So it’s Joker now, Bruce!_

John looks up and glares at him. He throws his chair to the wall. Metal dents against the hard tiles. John cries out in anger. Bile reaches the back of Bruce’s mouth but he swallows it down. He needs to act _._

_Calm down, Jay._

John looks startled. But he does calm down but hardly because Bruce told him to but rather because of his new name.

Bruce stands up slowly. Hands on John’s shoulders Bruce guides him to sit on his bed. John melts underneath his hold and all the anger ceases to exist. Sitting small on the edge of the bed, he looks utterly lost, gaze far away on the tiled floor. His restless voice breaks.

_I don’t want to be here anymore._

Bruce sits down onto the bed next to him. John leans into his chest.

It still feels new to Bruce despite all the times John has displayed affection to him before. It’s just not something Bruce usually does with men around his own age as it would be considered… well, that doesn’t matter. Especially not with John.

Never with John.

John's upset. Bruce needs to make it better.

Bruce places his arm around him – it goes around his waist and ends up resting on John’s stomach. His shirt feels soft under Bruce’s hand. Bruce stares off into the window and beyond the gray blue skies. Green hair nearly tickles the underside of his chin.

John is fighting back sobs but Bruce can feel them through his chest. Bruce knows John doesn't want to be there anymore but he cannot give in. John killed a _lot_ of people. He can't go back to the streets. He's a liability. Bruce glances down at John's face. The tears glitter underneath his eyes. His biting his lip raw. Bruce's jaw feels tight.

_You’re not well._

Bruce tells him in a tone that's alone trying to make John understand – like what he’s saying is an explanation enough for John to stop requesting.

John grasps Bruce’s hand. His is smaller than Bruce’s. He looks to the side and presses his head against Bruce's chest a little heavier. 

_I’m sorry._

It's something Bruce never wanted to hear. It’s not right for him to apologize for something like that. However, Bruce isn’t so good with words and they get stuck in his throat and it all ends in silence and with John coughing up the last tears out.

Bruce fears he only managed to ruin John’s one good day of the week. He thinks that despite that John's laughing in the end, wrapping himself around Bruce like usual and telling him it’s fine when Bruce eventually has to leave.

_No matter what, it’s always so good to see you, Brucie. I could never stay mad at you._

It’s just not fair. But Bruce needs to stay strong for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, this came out too long. I wanted to keep this a drabble but look at me now. Also, how are you guys feeling with this schedule? I thought it could be nice with the uploads on Tuesdays to go with the storyline but is it too long for you or maybe too short? Let me know!


	3. Looking for Answers

They tell him that John had acquired a palette knife from the crafts room which had led to a situation erupting in the common room the day before. A patient was injured. They don’t tell Bruce whether it was John’s fault or not. Either way, he’s sedated.

When Bruce walks into his room, he seems to be sound asleep on his bed facing the wall. Bruce feels a lump in his throat. He feels like he’s intruding on something private but he promised John he would visit him every week - here he is.

Bruce takes a seat on the bed and just breathes for a second looking around himself.

The security camera is always ever watchful of John in the right corner of the room. They don’t usually allow visits in the patients’ room – they have a special controlled environment for that. But since Bruce is a high profile person, they gave some slack on their visitor policy, and instead keep watch of them through a lens. Also, it helps that Bruce has a lot of money and is one of the key benefactors of the asylum. 

Then there’s the metal table and the chairs – the other one slightly dented at the seat now. Next to the bed, there’s the photo of John and Bruce where Bruce’s face is taken out of another photograph. He was smiling in neither one of them but it seems John appreciates Wayne more than Batman at the moment. Bruce doesn’t know how to feel about that. Perhaps he should be grateful.

He isn’t grateful for this, however. Looking at John so unusually motionless and quiet lying on the bed and due to _force_ , it simply doesn’t sit right with Bruce.

He only has an hour so he hopes that the drugs will wear off soon but he at the same time he doesn’t wish to disturb him and wake him too early. He knows what a headache they leave behind especially when suddenly woken up.

Bruce just watches him sleep then and sits tight. He wonders what the hell they are supposed to do. Everything has gone straight to hell, hasn’t it? Despite Tiffany working beside Batman these nights, Alfred’s gone and it’s been harder than Bruce could have ever imagined living alone inside the vast mansion. It’s supposed to be his home but it doesn’t feel like a proper one anymore. He needs Alfred by his side but he has to respect his decision although he doesn’t fully agree with it.

However, the things he said, they keep him up at night when he goes to sleep. He contemplates about the truth that may truly lay in them and what he should do with it if he somehow happens to fall into the same conclusion Alfred did.

But giving up Batman… That’s… it’s an inconceivable thought, almost unbearable when he thinks about all the work and the effort he has put into being him. But most of all, he cannot fathom giving up the principle that’s Batman – fighting the crime that took away his parents and that keeps taking so many others as its victims every day. He knows he has made a difference by becoming Batman.

But then he looks at the green head of the man that couldn’t take it. In an effort to be more like Batman due to all his affection and admiration for him, he had become something completely the opposite and failed both himself and Bruce.

Bruce looks back at the photo on the bedside table. Both sides of him right there because just like Bruce, John can’t decide either – but for now he’s settling on Bruce. Why? Bruce can’t say but maybe because he’s the one coming to see him each Tuesday. He’s the one keeping his promise and not hurting him with batarangs to the hand and fists to the face.

John doesn’t wake up during the entire hour. Bruce stands up to leave but before he exits the door, he tugs on a blanket over him. He looks cold and thinner each week.

Bruce has a lot of thinking to do tonight in bed. He needs to resolve his own issue first and foremost before he can even think about being able to help John. Their problems are intertwined in spite of their stitch having become broken.

Bruce is the one in control here, he needs to solve all of this for the both of them. He doesn’t want to see John here like this, drugged and unhappy, and he really doesn’t want to go back to a home that doesn’t feel like one.

There must be a compromise in here somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, maybe I won't stick to such a strict Tuesday plan. It's a nice thought but unneeded. But let me know how you liked this pondering chapter - I thought it might be nice to look into Bruce's mind for a second to see how he's coping with everything. 
> 
> Also, remember to subscribe to be updated on whenever a new chapter is uploaded. If you aren't a member of ao3 and can't do that, then if you have a tumblr, you can follow me @literallyabstract be to be updated on all that (does anybody get that name? 'cus I thought it was kind of funny because it's ironic, isn't it? literally but abstract too? heheh...). Anyway, let me know down in the comments how this is working for you.


	4. Speaking the Truth

Only on the fourth Tuesday does Bruce notice that John has a stuffed toy in his room, sitting against the wall on his pillow. It must have been under the blanket before.

John sees Bruce looking at it and gets all flustered and awkward suddenly.

_You have a Batman puppet._

Bruce just states the fact in monotone and almost like it’s not a surprise. Maybe it isn’t actually.

_Oh yeah, um, someone gave it to me, I don’t even know who. I know it’s silly but I just didn’t have the heart to throw it out so I just kept it and uh…_

Bruce clearly isn’t buying it although he’s ready to entertain John if it really means that much to him. However, John starts looking guilty and avoiding Bruce’s gaze, twisting his hands in his lap.

_Oh fine, I can’t lie to you, Bruce! You don’t deserve that... I made it in art therapy when you first came here as Batman. Remember, in the cafeteria? It had been so mesmerizing to watch you work and at such close range for the first time, I had only ever seen you on TV before, and it was a whole another experience. You took those guys down so easily - BAM BAM BAM!_

Bruce gets startled a bit but just like the wind changes, John quiets down again.

_You're so strong and good, Bats... I just couldn't get you out of my mind but thinking about you also made me feel like I was safe and that I wasn't all alone in here... -_

John cuts himself off with a bite of a lip and then glances at the puppet as not to have to look at Bruce when he realizes what he has just told.

_It was waiting for me right here when I came back, and it’s really… I know it’s childish, but it helps me to have it during the night. It can get kind of… freaky here sometimes when it’s dark._

Bruce smiles at him kindly.

_It’s alright. I completely understand. It’s good to hear that it helps._

John’s smile brightens up the gloomy room. But then Bruce gets a bit more serious when he remembers his last visit. The nurses still haven’t told him everything neither has Dr Leland.

_Would you like to tell me about what happened last Tuesday?_

Bruce hates to watch John’s face fall but he needs to know how he’s doing – where his progress is heading.

_There was just a small misunderstanding and… I don’t honestly remember it that well anymore. It’s all bit of a haze more than anything after they gave me the shot and I fell asleep. Wait, do you mean you still came to see me?_

Bruce nods with a smile.

_Of course. I stayed the whole hour._

Bruce wishes he could take a snapshot of John’s expression right now and keep it with him forever whatever that means.

_You should have woken me up, Bruce! What, you were here the whole time and I was asleep?!_

Loud laughing and pale hands holding his stomach as John curls over himself in delight.

_I hope I didn’t snore!_

Bruce can’t help but chuckle and shakes his head in response.

This one feels like a better day.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So John has a Bruce puppet in the Villain endings. I thought it would be only fitting if he had a Batman puppet in the vigilante ending then so here it is.


	5. Giving a Gift

It’s raining outside the window. John said he went outside today. It was cold. And wet. He didn’t really like it that much.

_Besides the ball court is too small to really play in unless you’re playing alone. Then again, I was but that’s not the point. The point is that it's not fun playing alone. There's no challenge!_

Bruce shrugs his shoulders and folds his leg over the other leaning back on his chair and hands in his trousers. John is just lying on the bed on his side and moving little Batman’s arms up and down like it’s a cheerleader.

The puppet is actually rather impressive. Bruce has seen some Batman related merchandise on the internet before – incidentally in the banner ads obviously and he feels very uncomfortable about it - and they all fall to a clear second place compared to John’s own handiwork. The stitching is _marvellous_ and it impresses Bruce so much as for him not to find it so weird that there’s a plushie made out of his crime fighting persona.

Moreover, it’s _John_. That's the key ingredient. 

John sighs out heavily while looking out of the window.

_I wish it wasn’t winter so soon._

Bruce suddenly feels the candy cane in his pocket and remembers that he brought it over specifically for John – in fact, if he’s entirely honest, this morning he went to the grandest sweet shop in Gotham and specifically bought one to bring it to John. He grasps it in his hand but keeps it in his pocket.

_Don’t you like the snow?_

Bruce stalls as he isn’t sure when to pick it up. I mean, how is he going to explain that he just happens to have a candy cane – priced at four dollars as it’s allegedly made from the finest raw sugar in the world and freshest peppermint in Gotham – with him to Arkham and _maybe_ John would like to have it after all it’s not as if Bruce has that big of a sweet tooth?

Or maybe he should just tell him the truth like John always does with him.

_I love the snow! Are you kidding?! The snow is the best! You get to make all different kinds of shapes of them, snow fight, snowball people’s porches and make snow angels and snow castles and snowmen and…_

John starts to get out of breath from excitement but then he notices Bruce’s slightly taken a back look, and decides to dial it back down.

_But uh, I don’t like spending the winter at Arkham. It’s not fun here. It’s not a real Christmas._

John frowns and looks at the little Batman silently for a moment. Then, almost coyly, he looks back up at Bruce, a corner of his lips tugging to no specific direction.

_You must love winters - getting to spend it home with all your loved ones, Jeeves and all… It’s such a big ol’ house, you gotta to fill it up with all the people or it’s just an empty lot, am I right?_

He chuckles nervously as if he’s trying to be happy for Bruce. Of course, he wouldn’t know. John wouldn’t know what it’s really like living in the Wayne Manor – nobody does. And maybe that’s the saddest part. They all think it’s so wonderful when in reality it’s everything but that.

Bruce so wishes they were right about the manor being packed full all the time and especially for Christmas, instead of them being horribly wrong. In truth, the freezer is packed with ready-made meals and Bruce ends up eating spaghetti bolognese nearly every night after he gets back home from a patrol.

Honestly, he’s never felt this exhausted in his life from eating so bad. And never this lonely. He think he might need these visits with John as much as John must need them. Sure, Bruce sees Tiffany every other Wednesday to go over gear and specifics but mostly they do all their talking via headpieces when they are on a mission and there’s hardly ever anything more to it than five minutes of seeing each other before the bad guys get booted up to the back of a cop car. And it's not as if Bruce likes to socialize with any of his colleagues at the office. He has nothing in common with them and he doesn't want to. 

It's... Bruce just tries not to think about it too much.

_I’ll come see you on Christmas day if you want me to._

John looks at him like he’s never heard anything like it. Perhaps he hasn’t. Then Bruce gives him the candy cane.

_Here’s an early Christmas present._

John squeals, his eyes go bright again and he starts jumping on the bed until the orderlies have to come in to the room to ask him to calm down. They don’t take away his candy cane fortunately – Bruce slips in a fifty dollar note into one of the nurses' hand.

John thanks Bruce like there’s no tomorrow and starts licking away at the sweet immediately afterwards. Bruce thinks that he might just get through the winter with John’s help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy folks. How's it hanging? I made a snowman yesterday but with a cube for its head. I thought I was being so ironic and unique... I hate myself.  
> Anyway, I don't really know what time of season it was in the telltale series when it ended because I just don't know how it works around in Gotham but um... well, it's gonna be winter some time soon in this fic so prepare yourselves! Pack up something hot and toasty and wear a lot of layers, you know.


	6. Accepting the Reality

John’s sullen today. They don’t allow him to paint with the palette knives in art therapy anymore. John says it’s the best part – to scrape at the paint that’s halfway dried to reveal the other finished paint underneath the drying one. That’s what he likes to do.

He isn’t even looking at Bruce, just keeps his arms crossed over his chest and stares at the floor angrily.

Bruce wants to gain his attention and thinks of saying his name but isn’t completely sure what that exactly is so he settles for the middle ground as that seemed to work fine before.

_Jay, come on. If you show some progress into your treatment, I’m sure they’ll return your palette knife privileges at some point._

Bruce says this even though he himself isn’t so sure if it’s a good idea that they let John do that. He has seen first-hand what John’s capable of doing with even just mildly sharp things. 

But the ray of hope Bruce proposes isn’t what John focuses on.

John glances at Bruce behind his brows. He sneers at him, putting weight on each word.

_Is it really so hard to call me by my name, Bruce? It’s Joker now._

Bruce sighs and pouts a bit. Sternly.

_You did a lot of bad things as the Joker that I would like to think you’ve put behind yourself. And honestly I don’t approve of him. You will always be John to me._

Bruce tells him this as nicely as he can but he can already see the flicker of resentment glint in John’s eyes.

_John is a weak man’s name. In fact, it isn’t even a name at all - it’s just a word they give to people without one. I will not be a nameless man!_

Bruce opens his mouth already to say something but John-Joker cuts him to it.

_I have had to accept so many things about and from you, Bruce. I can even accept me being here to keep in with your sense of right and wrong and what’s just. All of this._

Joker stares at him intently, fingers anxiously tapping on his arm.

_So why can’t you even accept my name?_

Bruce feels embarrassed and looks down to his feet stroking out non-existent wrinkles out of his dress pants.

_No, no, you’re right. I’m sorry, Joker._

He sympathizes and looks up apologetically.

_But may I still call you Jay?_

Joker cocks his chin up and looks back at him proudly.

_As long as it’s short for Joker and not John._

And he cackles on top of that. Bruce should probably mention something about this to Dr Leland. Just in case 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It can't all be hugs and sprinkles. And I can't seem to finish this fic either, I'm constantly adding more chapter. Also, heads up, it might take a while for the next chapter this time, so just hang in there for a little while if you would :)


	7. Tripping on Stable

It only seems to get worse.

The next Tuesday Joker’s sedated again. By the door to his room Dr Leland tells him the full story and in the end Bruce so wishes he hadn't asked. It had something to do with the orderlies and the cafeteria forks. She says that if it ever happens again, they are going to have to cut down Joker’s visitor rights as a means of chastisement to try and make him focus more on his recovery.

Also, he will be allowed only _spoons_ from now on.

A restriction on Joker’s visiting hours would of course mean that Bruce wouldn’t be able to see him eachTuesday anymore, and that Bruce would basically turn mad eventually too. Sometimes it feels like Joker’s become the only stable thing in Bruce’s life and that’s saying something considering what an unpredictable character he can be.

It’s just… Alfred being gone and Tiffany shutting him out after it turned out that Bruce had been too condescending with her due to being so overprotective of her, Bruce feels more alone than ever. He thought that after his parents’ death he was completely alone in the world but only now does he truly know what loneliness is like.

Bruce needs Joker to be good. For both of them.

So _bad_.

Dr Leland looks at him worriedly as Bruce stares through the open hatch in the door longingly and pain written all over his face. Green head is pressed against the pillow – not in a sleeping way but in an unconscious drugged out of his mind way. It’s…

Bruce’s eyes start to itch.

_Bruce… If you don’t mind me asking, how close have you become with John?_

Bruce turns to look at her in surprise but tries to hide how that question leaves him breathless.

_We’re friends. Just… good friends._

Dr Leland doesn’t look all that convinced. She’s already thinking on how to phrase another disconcerting question. Bruce can’t handle a single one more.

_Can I still go see him now?_

She gives fleeting look at the paperboard in her hands and then nods with a soundless sigh.

_Sure._

Bruce doesn’t say another word to her before he steps right inside when the door is opened. He takes his usual seat once again in front of the bed and waits silently for the drugs to wear off – or not. Either way, this is Bruce’s stable now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it didn't take me a week until the next update but I know it's not very long this time. But do not worry! There will be more tomorrow again, lads :)


	8. Giving It Back

Joker’s cheekbones are just way too prominent now.

Bruce brought him a Santa hat. He’s wearing it, all smiles and giggles as he strokes the puffy white ball at the end of the tail and bounces it on his hand. It’s not made out of artificial fur - that much Bruce knows about it. Bruce wasn’t specifically thinking about a real fur Santa hat when he bought it for Joker in one of Gotham’s high end shops but that’s what it turned out to be as the shop assistant mentioned it while bagging his purchase.

Bruce’s pretty sure Joker won’t notice the difference and Bruce isn’t sure if he is himself really in favour of using real fur – but at the same time there’s also something about knowing that Joker is probably wearing the most expensive Santa hat in the state - even though he’s also locked up in a mental institution.

Bruce just wants the best for him simple and clear.

He knows they need to talk too, but he can’t be bothered yet. He can’t ruin this right now. Joker’s so happy.

 _Bruce_ is so happy.

_Is this made out of real fur?_

Apparently there is a difference.

_Uh, yeah, I guess it is._

Joker’s smile widens incredibly and he laughs high and mighty.

_Jeez, Bruce, you sure don’t penny-pinch when it comes to gifts. I bet even that candy cane was something out of this world because it certainly tasted like no other candy cane I’ve had before – if I ever have had one._

Joker throws his arms up excitedly.

_It was like the whole of winter had been compressed into a single lick!_

Bruce can’t help but laugh as well. He just couldn’t be any more grateful that he’s got Joker right here, all happy and good and kind and nothing less than the man he knew before any of the bad things happened.

_Really Bruce, thank you. You’re really just too good to be true!_

_Bruce starts to chuckle at that but halts as soon as he notices John isn’t._

_Seriously, sometimes I wonder if you’re actually just another hallucination my imagination has conjured up in self-defence – uh, those are Dr Leland’s words. But what I mean is, how could anybody be so sweet and wonderful to me as you are?_

Joker turns his gaze away from Bruce and stares at his slippers instead, Santa hat sitting lopsided on his green head. He chews on his lip mindfully.

_Really, you’re being too good to me, Bruce. I don’t know if I can handle it at times. I give you nothing but trouble but still you keep coming back to see me and you bring me all these presents I don’t deserve... It kind of makes me feel awful really._

Joker takes off his Santa hat and offers it back to Bruce on his hands like it was on a silver platter. He wears the saddest expression possible on his too sharp face.

_As much as I appreciate your kindness, Bruce, I know what you’re after with all these gifts, too, Bats._

Bruce grasps the soft red hat with numb hands.

_I’ll never be back to John. And I’ll never probably completely understand how your mind works when it comes to what’s wrong and what’s right. And maybe that’s just because of me and my sick brain. But know that I still want to do good by you – it just means sometimes giving back something you gave me too much of._

Bruce looks at John utterly left for words.

Joker smiles at him slyly and sniggers airily.

_Just don’t spoil me, Brucie._

And while Bruce feels saddened by Joker's refusal of his gift as Bruce didn't mean it to be any more than what it is - a simple sign of affection - he also feels proud of Joker. He's taking control of his situation and his emotions. It seems like a good thing.

So Bruce puts the Santa hat back in the gift wrappings and preserves it in the overhead compartment of his closet to wait for a time when it'll be appropriate for Joker to have it. It will always be his and there to take, and Bruce can only hope that time will be soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Santa hat kudos to futilefear (on tumblr) :)


	9. Meeting with Ire

They talked about it. Joker promises he won’t have another violent fit. He could not bear to see Bruce just once a month. He promises on his life he won’t do anything bad like that again. _Ever._

But it happens again.

A patient had had an episode in the common room. It had involved screaming and crying. Joker had already been on the edge early on in the day. The nurses had tried to keep an eye on him the best they could as they had been expecting something possibly happening.

They just hadn’t been quick enough.

Another chair to the wall except this time it was in the common room and so the chair was made out of wood and a splinter had broken off of it.

It had been sharp.

And Joker stabbed the patient in the shoulder with it.

 _Three_ times.

Bruce didn’t get so see Joker on that Tuesday.

And not on the next Tuesday.

And not on the third Tuesday.

On the fourth Tuesday Bruce was so mad about Joker having broken his promise and making it so that they couldn’t see each other every Tuesday that Bruce didn’t go see him on the fourth one either.

But by the time the sun goes down Bruce hates himself more than anything. He knows he shouldn’t but he sweeps to sit on the rooftop across from Joker’s room as Batman, and gazes in through his window.

It’s already lights out but Bruce can see that Joker’s still awake and sitting on his the bed illuminated by the moonlight. He’s holding the little Batman in his lap and strokes its head gently between the tiny pointy ears.

Bruce can hear him despite the distance with the aid of the technology installed in his cowl. He listens carefully. Joker’s voice is broken and quiet as he sings a melody Bruce suddenly recalls from his childhood.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,_ _you make me happy when skies are grey…_

Joker’s voice hitches with only partly shed tears.

_You’d never know dear, how mu-uch I love you, please d-don’t take my sunshine away…_

Bruce has to disable the hearing aid for a moment enough to collect himself and stare at the groaning ground beneath his feet instead of ahead. 

It feels like they are either ruining each other or helping each other, and there doesn’t seem to be any in-between. Yet somehow it always feel like Joker’s the one paying the price for it whether it's good or bad.

Bruce leaves just before Joker manages to catch sight of him when he looks up to the sky, green eyes glassy and sparkling with tears in the pale light.

Bruce needs to find a way to save them both before it's too late, because somehow it feels like time is running out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always seen "You are my sunshine" as a terribly sad song that's to be sang with tears in your throat. I don't know about you but that's the saddest song to me ever despite the somewhat happy lyrics, and trust me I've heard plenty other sad songs and they still don't compare with this one. I've always wanted to use it in a fic or something and finally I managed to do it! Hope you liked it as well :)


	10. Trying to Settle

Another three weeks later Bruce is going mad with his pining for John. On Tuesday, he practically dashes to his room after almost breaking the speeding limit and getting pulled over.

Dr Leland watches him rearrange his tie into a neat straight line and tighten his half-Windsor knot.

_In a hurry, Mr Wayne?_

She smiles at him knowingly with a cocked eyebrow. Bruce smiles back politely but dodges the humiliation.

_Traffic on the road. Didn’t want to miss my appointment._

By the door, she gets stern again.

_He’s been acting a bit surly after you didn’t arrive to your usual last ‘appointment’. Just be careful. Although I’m sure he’ll be glad you’re here today, I’ll still warn you in advance that he might act a little hostile today._

And she’s right.                                                                   

Joker stands in front of the window, his back to Bruce when he enters the room. They haven’t seen each other in six weeks. Bruce didn’t think Joker could become any thinner than he already was, but he was wrong. Bruce wants to sit him down onto the bed, drown him in blankets and feed him Alfred’s famous chickpea soup.

Hell, Bruce wants that no matter what the circumstance. He just wants Joker to be okay enough to call his house a home again.

Wait.

Does he mean that he wants Joker to…-

_You came._

The door is closed behind Bruce

_Of course._

Joker still won’t turn around. His shoulders are hunched and tensed arms dangling at his sides. Bruce has to understand.

_You didn’t come last time._

Bruce understands.

_I’m sorry._

Now Joker needs to understand.

 _Honestly, Bruce, you don’t have to force yourself to come and see me like this. I’m not some basket case you should feel responsible for. I may be insane but I’m no clown. I don’t need your pity visits._ _Besides, a visit once a month… Now you might as well not come at all._

Joker turns around.

_At least that’s what you seemed to have decided when I didn’t see you during these past six weeks._

Joker walks towards Bruce, hands twitching into fists, green eyes wild with fury – betrayal. Bruce isn’t scared.

Bruce wants to cry.

_You have a whole life outside of this damned place, Bruce. I get it! So what I’m telling you, is that there’s no reason for you to tire yourself with coming to see me here because I don’t care. Go live your gold encased life out there and be happy. I don’t want you crawling on your knees to see me if it’s so goddamn hard for you to walk straight in the first place!_

They are standing face to face just a few inches between them. Then Joker lays his hands flat on Bruce’s chest – and pushes him.

 _Hard_.

Bruce wobbles two steps backwards.

_So get the hell out of here!_

Bruce feels the sting in his eyes but shakes his head to get rid of them. He still understands. He _knows_ this. So Bruce stands sturdy and resilient on the tiled floor, and waits for a punch.

Surely enough Joker blows his hands against his chest and then proceeds to clenche them into fists when the former stroke doesn’t manage to waver Bruce.

_Get the FUCK out Bruce!_

Joker cries against his suit as he thumps hands against Bruce in vain. Bruce feels each and every punch like a burn mark despite the fact that they barely have any strength behind them – Joker’s so very small now. Yet it feels a thousand times worse than what he gets as Batman on the streets.

Looking through the window with burning eyes Bruce carefully and slowly places his arms around Joker – around his waist and another around his shoulders – and hugs him gently against his chest.

Joker’s movements begin to falter and slow down gradually. Maybe out of tiredness. Maybe because Bruce is hugging him on his own accord for the first time.

At some point those pale hands are gripping desperately at Bruce’s jacket lapels instead of hitting him, and Bruce holds him a little tighter.

_I’m so sorry, Jay. I just… I was stupid and frustrated. I’m really sorry I didn’t come to you last time. I know you probably needed me then more than ever, and I didn’t come. I know you probably started to think I was never going to come when it took so long, and I didn’t realize that._

Bruce strokes a hand down from green hair to pale neck. Joker feels so cold against his skin.

_I’m so sorry, Jay. I let my emotions get the better of me. I won’t do that to you ever again._

Joker’s head lifts up slightly and emerald eyes peek at Bruce from underneath a same shade hair. A pause.

_P-pinky promise?_

Bruce rests his chin against the head of soft green, lips touching with acidic smelling strands.

_Yes._

Bruce strokes his hand against Joker’s neck and feels him being comforted by touch. He wishes he could do more for him but it still doesn’t seem like the right time. Just not now.

Not when everything is still so unstable and the ground is too even. It’s not a safe place yet. And so Bruce just holds him a little bit tighter instead and listens to Joker breathe against his skin of his neck. 

Through the window the sun starts to shine a little too bright and forces the tears to eventually drop from Bruce's eyes.

It's going to be a beautiful day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know John doesn't really swear in the games but I felt like it was kind of necessary here, so I do apologize if I offended anyone by that.


	11. Exchanging the Gestures

Snow is covering each and every crevice of Gotham. It’s Christmas day.

It’s not Tuesday but Sunday. That’s fine. Bruce can make time for his visit. Seeing Joker today is his highest priority. In the whole of the month in fact.

Joker jumps on him when he enters the room and Bruce drops the red gift bag he was holding. That’s fine too.

Joker laughs and giggles into Bruce’s ear standing on his tippy toes in order to wrap his arms around his neck. Bruce loops his arms around Joker to keep them from toppling over.

_Merry Christmas Bruce!_

Bruce is all smiles as he looks at Joker.

_Merry Christmas, Jay._

They sit down in their usual places. Bruce retrieves the bag from the ground and goes to offer it to Joker. Joker however shakes his head and tells him to wait. He lifts up his bed cover and reveals his gift to Bruce.

_I thought that you might like to have one yourself for whenever things get kinda freaky during the night._

He holds up a puppet to Bruce – a combination of him both as John and as Joker. His hair is green, his mouth red, purple suit and a smiley batarang in one hand.

Bruce accepts the gift with slow hands.

_To protect you when it’s needed._

Bruce looks up at John after inspecting the soft puppet with attentive eyes. It’s in pristine condition and stitched with the utmost care. 

_Thank you._

John smiles a little shyer now.

_I don’t mean that I think you would actually want a puppet of me with you – you can just throw it out if you don’t like it. But honestly, it’s not like there’s a shop here that I could have got you anything from. I would have made you a painting but I just don’t like painting without the palette knives – you can’t even mix the colours properly!_

Joker sighs out to calm himself down before continuing.

_I hoped that maybe something like this would help ease your mind after long patrol nights like little Batsy does here with me. And also I didn’t think you would have really liked a puppet of yourself either… or would you have?_

Bruce strokes a hand across little Jay’s cheek wishing he could do that with the real deal.

_Jay, you couldn’t have given me a more thoughtful gift even if you could have gone to any shop in the world. This is perfect. But you really didn’t need to get me anything in the first place._

Joker giggles.

_I know. You’re so modest, Bruce. But of course I wanted to get, well, make you something! Also - it’s Christmas after all!_

Joker then takes out something else but this time it’s hidden underneath his bedding. A sealed letter. It has a picture of Bruce with _the_ Santa hat drawn on the front with colourful crayons. Joker gives it to Bruce a bit less enthusiastically than before.

_Read it later._

Bruce nods without questioning it further.

He sits his Jay puppet on his lap and then offers his present for Joker once again. Joker grabs it with an excited look and tears it open with the same eagerness. I mean, it’s a bag but still he manages to rip it apart.

_Oh, Brucie!_

Joker puts on the lilac jumper on immediately after barely having a look at it. But to be fair, he does look darn cute in it, and he smiles as he tugs on the end of the waist to marvel at the handwork of Gotham’s finest weaver.

_It’s hundred percent cashmere, isn’t it? Oh, Bruce, I love it!_

All across the jumper there are little black bats. Joker paws at one of them as he feels the material between his fingers.

_I hope the pattern isn’t too intrusive. I just thought that… with your puppet and everything, you might like the sentiment._

Joker’s smile practically sparkles in the white winter light shining through the window.

_Oh I appreciate the sentiment very, very much. And this is so warm too! Oh I’m virtually toasty!_

Bruce chuckles in amusement.

_I noticed you were a little cold in here. I hope that will help at least a little. Also, it has some growing room in it as well for when you start to feel like eating again._

Bruce hopes the slightly concerned remark went over smoothly enough in its nonchalant manner as not to cause any offense to Joker and aggravate him and it seems to have worked.

Joker looks at Bruce a little embarrassedly and tugs on the sleeves to get them over his hands. His voice is small but full of gratitude.

_Thank you._

Bruce smiles. Then he remembers.

_Hey, there’s a card in the bag as well._

Joker gets excited again and goes through the shreds of the ripped bag on his bed and finds the red Christmas card with the laughing snowman on the cover.

_Aww, Brucie… ‘Get well soon’. You even remembered to add the little smiley face in the ‘o’ as well! That’s so adorable!_

And in an instant, Bruce suddenly has a lapful of Joker in his arms.

_Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!_

Bruce can’t help but laugh and in passing notices what a while it’s been since he’s laughed this earnestly because he can feel it all the way in his chest where warmth seems to glow right out of him in deep chuckles, and God, Bruce has missed being this happy.

In that moment he forgets about everything else around him except Joker fastening himself onto him and the soft cashmere underneath his hands as he hugs him back without reservations.

_Merry Christmas, Jay._

Bruce then feels a warm soft peck placed on his ears and hears intimately how more giggles follow it. Bruce feels blood rush to his cheeks.

_And a happy new year!_

Bruce once again has to tighten his grip on Joker so that they wouldn’t topple over when Joker nearly falls off of him in a fit of laughter. But all Bruce really does is laugh himself as well and eventually they find themselves somewhere on the tiled floor still snickering.

On the rooftop across from Joker’s room, the white snow glitters brilliantly in the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never really thought about doing a slow burn but I guess I couldn't write fast enough this time. Heheh...  
> Anyway, I'm sorry about not uploading yesterday. I don't have that much of an excuse but life really just got in the way kind of at the last minute.  
> Either way, here we have the eleventh chapter finally. These chapters were sort of meant to be drabbles without a real plotline behind them but it seems that things are still starting to move into a certain direction so I'm curious to see what my fingers are up to next time. 
> 
> Also, I gotta thank you all for the lovely lovely comments you've left and also to you people who just have enjoyed reading this little fic of mine that started out very humbly and without any expectations. So a big hand to all of you who have helped keep me going! I'm so very grateful for all the support :)


	12. Staggering on the Edge

Joker shifts in Bruce’s arms and turns his head to the side against Bruce’s chest.

They’ve taken to sitting both on the bed – it’s more comfortable that way. This has in turn led into Joker getting closer to snuggling up to Bruce a Tuesday after another until he practically sitting right on top of him.

Bruce doesn’t mind it.

He cannot take the initiative himself when it comes to these cases. Not yet. There are still certain guidelines following the treatment regarding the patients – the first and foremost being _‘don’t push it’_.

They are always being watched in the right corner despite Bruce having granted the guards a hefty tip so that they wouldn’t react too hastily even if something did happen and cut his visit too short. He knows he can manage. And most of the time he has.

Bruce takes that as a good sign.

Joker fortunately isn’t too bashful when it comes to displaying affection although at certain times that can also lead to some inconveniences.

Either way, this time it doesn’t happen in such cheerful circumstances.

Joker presses his head closer against Bruce’s warmth and fiddles with the strings of his Arkham assigned white pants. His gaze is far away as he stares off at the dented chair beside the metal table. Bruce brushes his hand through green hair.

_I once thought of this place once as my home. But home is where your heart is and… my heart isn’t here anymore._

Bruce can feel dampness coming through his suit shirt where Joker’s head lies on his chest. Where the corner of his eye meets the stark white fabric.

_I understand. But remember how loud and bright it was out there? It’s still like that, and it’s getting worse every day._

Bruce can sympathize with Joker’s feelings but he cannot amend his past actions.

 _How do you do it, Bruce? Where do you find the strength in the uneven?_  

Bruce wonders for a second or two.

_It’s only a complementing part of the whole. I find the balance in my mind. Like yin and yang, with all the essentials, you can build yourself constancy and steadiness despite the surface._

Joker laughs and glances over his shoulder at Bruce, and taps his head with a bony finger.

_That must be where I always go wrong then – there’s no sense of balance in this noggin right here. I need my ground to be flat as a plate and firm as a rock if I want to even try to walk straight._

Joker sighs and looks down at his hands in his lap. He bites his lip. Then his eyes go sharp.

_I wish I could thrive on the chaos the way you can._

Gently and slowly Bruce lifts Joker’s chin up with his hand to look at him better.

_You don’t have to do that, Jay._

Joker regards Bruce’s careful expression with curious eyes. Slowly his lips turn into a slight curve of a smile and Bruce can breathe a little easier.

_I know. It’s not good for me._

Joker suddenly hops off the bed and walks to the table and sits on it instead, lanky legs dangling over the edge. The look on his face is daring. Bruce’s chest tightens.

_But I can’t deny it doesn’t feel good to me._

Joker cackles long and hard teetering on the edge of manic. Bruce wishes he would take his medication.

_Jay, don’t joke about things like that._

Bruce warns him. Joker turns eerily stern.

_Well I’m not joking, Brucie._

Bruce stands up. Joker does too.

_No matter how it makes you feel, I can’t allow you to harm others._

Joker’s smile is sickening. He closes in on Bruce. His movements are sly and flowy. Stalking.

_But that makes the best kind of entertainment. Pain sells! You see it on TV all the time!_

Bruce shakes his head at him.

_I think it’s time for you to go bed. It’s getting late._

Bruce did come too late today - the sun is long gone. Joker pouts at him extravagantly.

_Oh, no… I want to play a little longer. Please, Brucie, Brucie, Brucie… Don’t go yet…_

Joker whines at him and makes grabby hands at his chest. Bruce puts his hands on Joker’s shoulders and keeps him at a safe distance from himself. He doesn’t want the orderlies have to get involved.

_We’ll see each other soon enough. Now, Jay, please, you need to remember to take your medicine. Not for me but for yourself. Don’t hide them or throw them up, you need to swallow them and keep them down. I promise you’ll feel better afterwards._

Joker glares at him and turns swiftly around on his heels and walks over to the window.

_They do everything but make me feel better. I don’t need them. I don’t need anything. And I really don’t need you to come and tell me these things. These lies… these lies that…_

Joker continues on mumbling to himself quietly. Bruce sighs out. He should call Dr Leland in. He should.

_Jay, you have to understand why I can’t let you help me as Batman anymore._

Joker turns back around again. This time his head is hung low and his smile is nowhere in sight – instead his fists are.

_And why is that?_

Bruce tries his best not to aggravate Joker but he cannot lie to him either. Bruce won’t manipulate him anymore.

_Because you said it yourself. You can’t handle the chaos outside – you are the chaos, Jay. What you need, is peace to provide you balance._

Bruce goes over to Joker and cups his face in his hands.

_That’s why you need me. I can be the calm before your storm._

Joker simply stares at Bruce with his intense eyes. Bruce cannot read him now but at least he hasn’t bitten his fingers of yet.

_But will you let me?_

Slowly but surely, the lips start curving upwards once again.

_If I do, can I see the Batcave then?_

Bruce smiles.

_As long as you promise to take your medication._

Bruce takes out the little pill out his pocket he found from underneath Joker’s pillow. He blushes as he looks at the small white pill between Bruce’s fingers. That’s the Jay Bruce knows. He’s coming back to him.  He can tell from the gradual increasing of softness in his eyes.

 _Because I in turn promise you, in the end, everything will still come down to you and not these little things. They will only help you along with any path you decide to embark on._  

Bruce drops the pill in Joker’s hand and offers him the glass of water that was on his bedside table.  

_If you say so, Bruce. But remember, the Batcave is next._

Joker says before he downs the pill and the water. Bruce nods with a smirk, and this time, allows himself to take the initiative. Joker feels warm and soft in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a lot of dialogue. Damn. 
> 
> Sorry it took longer than normal again, guys :( Life is just a bit hectic at the moment but I'm trying to get by.  
> I don't know what happened in this chapter, it went kind of OOC so I'm sorry about that too, but let's hope for better times in the next one.


	13. Trying to Comprehend

There are a lot of cracks in the ceiling of Joker’s room. It’s a muddy grey colour and has some water damage in the corners.

Bruce notices this when he lies next to Joker on the bed as he’s napping.

He took his medication today on his own.

Bruce knows this because you can just tell.

Joker’s a whole lot less volatile and unstable. He’s also gentler and more careful with his actions. If he’s upset, it doesn’t boil over most of the time. On the other hand, he extreme highs aren’t there anymore either. On the whole, however, the mood stabilizers and the other pills really seem to do their job when ingested. 

The doctors are still working on it though. Not everything has quite come together yet. There are still some issues that therapy alone cannot solve but Bruce will leave that to the professionals. Dr Leland has been very patient with Bruce anyhow when he’s been nearly bursting with all the question.

All that Bruce really needs to concern himself with is that Joker will feel motivated to keep taking his medication with encouraging reminders and assurances of good things to come. Of course, the nurses try to make sure Joker’s taking them by any means necessary but Joker can be very resourceful when he wants to be and he’s been in Arkham his whole waking life save for the time Bruce has known him outside. He knows the asylum inside out including the timetables.

Bruce hopes that someday Joker will come to internalize the facts himself and learn the benefits of taking proper care of himself. He’s learned a lot from Dr Leland but simply knowing doesn’t equal understanding. He’s still blinded by naïve thinking and one-sided conceptions, and when he finds out the world isn’t what it was made out to be for him, it upsets him greatly and he experiences emotions he isn’t entirely equipped to handle because he hasn’t got the necessary practice for it yet.

Normal human interaction, too, isn’t in his field of expertise either. He isn’t in touch with the norms of what is acceptable when in contact with strangers or lovers. And whenever he ends up breaking a norm, he is punished unavoidably, be that a spiteful frown or a fist to the cheek, Joker will find himself confused and angry with the world that won’t seem to accept him no matter how hard he works to please others in order to gain their trust and amenity.

What Joker does know how to do, is how to cheat the guards into looking away when he doesn’t want to swallow the small white pills, and how to make Dr Leland believe that whatever goes inside his head isn’t harmful to himself or others when he finds himself at lost for what’s right and what’s wrong just to get an approving smile out of her. When he gets confused, he just does whatever the next best person is doing.

And that’s why Bruce tries to be always there for him. To be that next best person.

Honestly, he feels bad for Joker. One of the only things he has truly decided completely by himself is his new name, and for the love of it Bruce still can’t seem to accept it because there are too many bad things attached to the mere idea of calling him Joker again. He fears he might end up reverting the good things that have happened afterwards and ruining the progress.

However, considering how much work Joker’s putting into trying to get better for whoever that might be, maybe Bruce should make some more effort into calling him by his new name out loud instead of only inside his head out of respect. Who knows, it could improve their… whatever it is that’s between them nowadays. Bruce wants Joker to feel wanted and accepted around him. Maybe the name doesn't necessarily have to be the decisive matter. 

Joker shifts beside Bruce, burrowing closer into the crook of Bruce’s arm. Bruce has folded up his suit jacket on the back of the metal chair. Without it he feels a little chilly despite the warm body next to him to be honest. He’s very grateful to himself that he got Joker that jumper during Christmas that he wears nearly every day now because surely Joker would soon get sick in here otherwise. Bruce really should bring the issue up the next time he sees the janitor roaming down the halls. This is just unacceptable. It isn’t this cold elsewhere inside the asylum either. It’s just strange – and perhaps sinister.

Despite Joker wearing the lilac jumper right now as well, Bruce tugs on the light duvet to cover him better. He has to be cold too. Joker purrs contently into Bruce’s Armani scented armpit. A sharp shoulder blade digs into Bruce’s arm but he doesn’t mind it in the way in concerns him. It just makes him worry about Joker’s wellbeing here even more. Yet, he knows this is where he needs him to stay.

It’s a dilemma.

Joker shifts against Bruce once again. It looks like he’s starting to wake up from his power nap.

Green eyes blink at Bruce. Then a smile.

_How are you feeling?_

Joker nuzzles his cheek against Bruce’s bicep. Like a cat.

_Swimmingly._

Bruce smiles back at him. At least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me this is a drabble. Lie to me.  
> Well, at least this one came out on time! Although, I never actually set up an update plan... weird. Let me know how you liked the analysis. I don't know where that came from but... it's there now.


	14. Confessing to Truth

They go to the yard this time. A nurse accompanies them but leaves them plenty of space to talk in private. The yard is empty at this time of the day – it’s lunchtime and Joker’s got a sandwich with him.

They sit on the benches by the empty ball court. It’s a nice day out though still quite cold considering it’s already March. At least the snow is long gone – all that’s left behind are the puddles of freezing water.

Joker swings his legs like a kid as he sits on the tall benches and munches on his tuna sandwich. It doesn’t smell quite right to Bruce’s nose and he doesn’t think Joker’s skinniness as too strange now. It doesn’t mean that he endorses his dangerous weight loss, not at all. He’s happy Joker’s eating at least something now even if that’s a sad looking tuna sandwich with cloudy looking tomatoes.

Bruce reckons the medication might be doing its job there too. Joker had a hard time going to lunch before starting to take them.

Joker squints at the sun peeking through the rainy looking clouds, holding his hand up over his eyes, and slurps on his raspberry juice box.

_Summer cannot come soon enough. It’s really bright outside._

Bruce looks over to him.

_Do you need sunglasses? I could get you some._

Bruce remembers the sunglasses Joker used to have when he was still outside. They were rather… conspicuous. Bruce thinks he could get him a new pair considering the lasts ones have probably been burnt away in a trash can somewhere down Crime Alley by now.

Joker looks his way.

_Really?_

Bruce smirks.         

_Sure. It looks like you might need some and they don’t have any down here. Just tell me what you like and I’ll get you them for my next visit._

Joker beams at him almost brighter than the sun in the sky. He puts down his juice box to use his both hands to express what he looks for in a pair of sunglasses.

_Alright, so the first pair I got, you know the ones - brown, muddy gold and flaking at the handles - I got them from a drift store or something and they were the only ones that were shaded dark enough for me. My eyes are quite sensitive. So I took those with me as well as the flower brooch. But those type of sunglasses, no, they aren’t really for me. Anything but those ones. I just need them to be shaded dark enough so that I can barely see through them._

Joker explains in detail with varied voice tones as always and using his hands to create soulful motions.

_But if I may request, I think I might most prefer round shaped lenses._

Joker says this as if it was a secret conspiracy theory he could get in trouble for telling anyone. Bruce smiles at him.

_Noted. Dark lenses and a round shape. Anything else?_

Joker takes Bruce’s hand lying on the bench suddenly in his own two and leans in close. Bruce can still smell the tuna.

_Nothing expensive this time, alright Brucie? You don’t have to go out of your way to treat me right. I appreciate everything you’ve given me, all the fanciness and the rich people business, but don’t think I’m going to start expecting these sort of things from you like I couldn’t have it any other way._

Bruce understands but can’t help but try to explain himself.

_It’s just the life I’ve been brought up in. I understand it can sometimes overwhelm people but please don’t even think for a second that I give you these expensive things just to display you how much money I’m willing to put out for you. And I’m not putting you into any debt to me either. Everything that I have given you is entirely yours now and you should think of it as such. All I want is for you to have whatever you need and in the best quality possible._

Joker smiles at him sweetly and squeezes Bruce’s hand in his two gloved ones. It’s cold after all.

_I just wanted you to know that I would love you all the same no matter if you brought me sunglasses you stole from a homeless man’s nose or bought them from the most expensive shop in the whole world. Heck, you could come back empty handed and it still wouldn’t matter to me. As long as you come, that’s good enough with me, Bruce._

Bruce simply stares at Joker in the eyes and feels himself at lost for words opening his mouth at nothing. He doesn’t quite know how to match up with Joker’s offhand and spontaneous declaration of love as well with everything else he just said. So he simply stays quiet and put and lets Joker’s hands warm his right one in their grip.

Eventually Bruce just nods and stares off back at the shredded basketball net while Joker continues to finish his sandwich. Bruce’s eyes start to water ever so slightly.

It _is_ very bright outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're catching up to April soon, heheh. It's just weird writing about another season when it's the complete opposite in real life. That good a writer I am, you guys.


	15. Swapping the Taste

Next time they go outside for the visit, Joker’s wearing his brand new sunglasses and suckles on a small chocolate Easter egg. Every patient gets one wrapped in brightly coloured tinfoil for each Easter day.

Joker saved his last one for Tuesday to give it to Bruce.

Bruce of course declined, telling Joker that he could have any whenever he wanted so Joker didn’t have to sacrifice one of his just for Bruce to get a taste of the cheap chocolate.

Joker looked a little disappointed at that though and Bruce wondered if he should have just accepted the generous gift after all but at that point it was too late. Joker had popped the thing in his mouth and started waiting for the hard chocolate to melt on his tongue.

He probably just wanted to give back something to Bruce for getting those sunglasses to him, too. Bruce chastises himself for his decision in his mind because he’s probably making Joker feel like there’s nothing good enough for him to offer to Bruce which will result in him feeling bad about himself.

Bruce shakes his head at himself as they are seated back on the ball court benches. Joker turns his head to him in confusion the chocolate egg prominently nested in the right side of his cheek.

_What’s wrong?_

Bruce looks over to him and tries to brush the whole thing off with the wave of his hand.

_Nothing._

Bruce can see Joker frown even from behind the dark violet round lenses. The new sunglasses have fixed curved edges to the lenses so that no sunlight can come through even from the sides. Bruce too thought they were pretty nifty and also seemed to be exactly what Joker had described to him although they were nothing he had ever seen before.

When Bruce brought them for him, Joker’s jaw had dropped in amaze and gratification. When he put them on he had nearly cried out in glee.

_Everything is purple!_

Bruce had been much happier with his choice then than he was now. Joker places his hand on top of Bruce’s on the bench and leans in closer to get a better look at his face.

_No… That’s not the expression of nothing. Tell me, Bruce. You promised to be honest with me._

Bruce did do that. He sighs out.

_When you offered me the chocolate egg, I didn’t mean that I didn’t want it because it’s not good enough for me but because I didn’t want you to waste it on me when you can have so few altogether._

Joker ponders on that for a couple of seconds or more in silence which is actually a bit unusual for him because normally he just blurts out whatever he thinks as soon as it pops into his mind. He terribly candid that way.

Joker looks at Bruce intently.

_So you would accept the chocolate egg this time if I asked you?_

Bruce stares back at Joker in confusion this time.

_Sure… But it doesn’t matter now that…-_

Joker seats in even closer to Bruce now and glances around himself for a bit as there are other patients on the grounds this time as well as it’s warmer outside today. That in turn means more orderlies are around.

Bruce is bemused because he can almost feel Joker’s breath on his own mouth because he’s leaned so close to him and pressed completely against Bruce’s side.

_Then you can have it. Open your mouth._

Joker whispers to him casually. Bruce is frankly taken aback by the insinuation.

_What?!_

Bruce can see the dumbfounded look in Joker’s eyes in reaction to Bruce’s bewilderment even through the dark lenses but smiles at him still.

_Are you afraid of boy cooties, Bruce? Come on, just open your mouth, there’s still plenty chocolate left._

Without ever truly really deciding, Bruce’s mouth parts on its own accord slightly and immediately Joker draws close to him. Out of the sudden their mouths are pressed together.

Bruce stares at the puff of green hair in his face in complete immobility while Joker proceeds to open his own mouth and to quickly deposit the little molten chocolate egg between their lips onto Bruce’s tongue.

Then as soon as it happened, it’s over as well.

Joker moves off of Bruce with a big grin back on his original seat and he licks his lips from any traces of chocolate.

Bruce simply gapes at him back before realizing there really is a chocolate egg in his mouth now and he can’t keep his mouth open anymore. Automatically Bruce just swallows the whole thing without chewing first and nearly chokes on the size of it.

_Jeez, Bruce. You know it tastes better if you actually take the time to munch on it first._

Joker just laughs on gazing into the sky while Bruce continues trying to collect himself together again. It’s not as easy as it looks. Bruce clears his throat and swallows down some saliva to get the chocolate lump to move down his esophagus.

_It was alright._

Bruce comments with a rough tone and keeps his eyes trained on the basketball as a short but broad shouldered patient tries to get it to the net. Joker just giggles and swings his legs in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooo... does that count as a kiss already?


	16. Smiling Like Fools

They decide to reinstate Joker’s normal visiting rights. Bruce is allowed to visit him every week again. Dr Leland calls it only fair as Joker has been showing great signs of progress and Bruce only seems to be helping it along.

Joker is very happy.

Bruce is very happy.

It’s a happy day.

Bruce talks to Dr Leland and manages to get Joker an instant disposable camera. He knows how much he likes to photograph although he doesn’t think there’s that much to take photos of inside the asylum. Maybe the new garden they are planning on planting in the grounds during the spring might help with that.

Nevertheless, Joker’s as happy as ever when he sees the camera. The first thing he takes a photo of is of course of the two of them. Joker ushers them to stand in front of the window so that they would get the bright outdoor background instead of the stale looking white walls.

Bruce makes sure to smile this time even though it’s really no problem considering he’s happier than ever.

Joker’s all teeth and sides of his eyes creased in the photo and in real life as well.

He anxiously waits for the photo to develop, shaking it between his fingers in anticipation. When the picture finally comes through the white, he squeals and jumps like a bunny in a circle around Bruce.

Joker places the picture into the old photo frame and when he takes a step backwards to admire it, he applauds. Bruce himself is also too giddy to care and joins in on the claps his hands approvingly.

_It’s a masterpiece!_

Joker says with a grin. Bruce agrees with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was very short, I know. But the next chapter, well just be prepared because that one is a ride.


	17. Braving through Fear

There is a riot at Arkham.

Batman is called.

It’s night-time but a lot of the patients are out of their cells wrecking chairs against floors and throwing things at the guards and orderlies. They tell him that the riot had started from a single patient claiming that they hadn’t got their breakfast. He had become violent when the nurses had tried to figure out the issue and started to provoke other patients into becoming defensive towards the staff. Accordingly more and more patients had started to act aggressively complaining about non-existent issues and it had progressed into a ‘them versus us’ -assembly.

Well, Batman isn’t so sure if all the issues the patients might have mentioned are actually non-existent but he knows that the violence needs to stop immediately. The handling of the complaints can be done later in a safe and calm environment.

He begins to manhandle the most beefy and impetuous patients back to their rooms under lock-up to help the other guards and police called to the scene.

It’s not the hardest job Batman has ever had to do – it’s quite simple actually – but some of the patients came be truly frenzied in their state and entirely unpredictable making it all feel more difficult than it should.

By the second Batman stepped inside the asylum, he has kept a lookout for Joker. However, he doesn’t expect to see him amidst all the mayhem considering all the progress he’s made so far and most likely knowing what it would mean if he decided to join in on the ‘fun’ – more privileges would be cut again indeed.

Batman still keeps both of his eyes open in case something does happen and deeply hopes that Joker will stay put in his room where it’s safe for him and others. He doesn’t want him to get hurt.

However, Bruce’s wishes have never carried too far and so they are demolished the second he has managed to push the biggest patient in the common space to his room and turns around on his feet.

Batman can easily place the look on Joker’s face to one exact location he’s seen it before – Ace Chemicals.

And where did he get a _knife_?

Joker’s dashing through the array of fighting patients, guards and police calling for backup towards Batman with incredible speed and Batman has barely any time to act because all he’s thinking about is the way his heart feels like it has dropped to stomach and his legs have turned to icy cold lead.

Joker’s growling, hand with the knife raised up high to get greater speed when driving it into Batman’s shoulder. Batman realizes to act just before the hit lands on him.

He grabs Joker’s right hand by the wrist and turns his back to him and kneels so that he can direct Joker’s movement right pass him onto the floor.

There’s barely any weight to Joker and he slams onto the ground on his back like a feather and the air pushes out of his lungs in a single whoosh. He doesn’t move really after that. He’s too weak right now.

Bruce doesn’t want to hurt him. Neither does Batman. In fact, they both refuse to hurt him. It would not end well in any scenario. But Joker sure isn’t done with him yet.

Batman gets down on top of Joker and grabs the knife away from him first. Then he takes both of his wrists into one hand and presses them down on the floor over Joker head and keeps his lanky legs down with his own feet.

Batman’s cape flutters around them and for a second the noises of the chaos around them seems to quiet down to a dull simmer. It’s private.

Joker tries to struggle against Batman’s hold but it’s no use whatsoever. Batman leans away ever so lightly so that he can’t headbutt him either. Against all odds, Bruce feels calmer right now than when he did coming in – the whole day at the office feels more bustling and anxiety inducing compared to this small moment between with Joker and Batman.

_What are you doing, Jay?_

It feels like Joker’s staring right through him and it just doesn’t feel right. There’s something lacking about him despite his actions. His gaze doesn’t seem to hold focus nor understanding. And he doesn’t answer Bruce.

In a couple of swift motions Batman lifts Joker up over his shoulder and carries him back to his room. Joker tugs on the back of his cape in an effort to fight Batman off but it’s completely futile and Batman almost doesn’t get what he’s trying to achieve by doing so.

Eventually Batman has Joker under lock and key. He tells him

_I’m coming back for you._

Bruce shuts out all of his thoughts and feelings towards Joker for now as he proceeds to take care of the rest of the situation tormenting the asylum. With the aid of the backup from the police department, the riot is eventually resolved and the patients are back in their rooms. The nurses take care of any injuries they might have acquired and the orderlies start to take care of the mess.

Dr Leland thanks him with a tired but grateful look on her face and Batman curtly nods in reply before sneaking back into Joker’s room.

He cuts of the security feed to his room for the while before going in.

Joker’s sitting on the floor legs tugged up to his chest and hands over his face between the bed and the nightstand. He’s crying.

_Jay?_

Joker doesn’t respond aside from flinching and shivering. Batman takes a couple of steps towards him from the door but when Joker starts to curl on himself more away from Batman, Bruce stands still.

He looks at the camera in the right corner and insures that the red blinking light is nowhere to be seen.

He takes his cowl off.

_Joker?_

The green head peeks up with a startled and scared look. The tear tracks down his face are fresh and there’s more to come. His eyes are bloodshot and vulnerable. Bruce’s chest aches.

_No… no. Not Joker._

Bruce can’t help but frown but somehow this feels like a good thing. He slowly approaches Jay with his hands visible and free. He kneels down in front of him.

_What’s going on?_

Bruce asks again in confusion and places a tentative hand on Jay’s knee. Jay looks down at it and swallows painfully. He shakes his head with a deep set worried frown.

_I don’t know. But I don’t like it._

Jay’s hands tremble. Bruce squeezes his knee.

_It’s alright._

Jay sight out a shaky breath to try and calm down.

_I knew you would come. Batman, I mean. Something just came over me. I couldn’t handle it. I just…-_

Jay looks down at his scarred right hand and intakes an even shakier breath.

_I tried to remember it’s you Bruce. The same person who’s come to see me all this time and been so kind to me without ulterior motives or ill intentions. But when I saw him there… I just got so angry! I forgot all about you, Bruce. I only thought about him and what he had done to me. I just grabbed whatever came to hand and…-_

Jay looks up at Bruce and seems to only realize the contrast between Bruce’s face and the Kevlar around his body. More tears boulder over his waterline.

_I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it._

Bruce collects Jay into his arms like a pillow needing to comfort him as much as Jay needed the comfort himself. He hugs him tight because there’s an unknown fear residing deep in Bruce’s bones and he doesn’t know what to do with it other than just to hold on tight.

_I’m sorry too._

Bruce leaves after tucking Jay to bed. When he picks up the cowl, Jay asks to do it. Bruce lets him thinking it might be a good idea actually. He shows Jay how it’s done, where to press and at which angle to put it on and then places it in Jay’s hands.

Jay’s pale fingers are careful and attentive as they grip on the cowl. His hands hold it like a sacred artifact. Then like crowning a king, he places it on Bruce’s head.

His fingers linger on the bare part of cowl on Bruce’s chin. Half-lidded green eyes gaze upon his lips with something secret but quite obvious in desperation. Bruce is caught between both of his own incarnations and Jay’s.

He wonders. But for too long.

He has to go.

_I’m coming back on Tuesday._

He turns the camera security feed back on and closes the door behind him. A guard looks at him strange. Batman doesn’t look back.

Only Jay’s eyes follow him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting OOC and non drabbly here again, sorry...  
> Anyway, I'm not sure if this was the ride you were expecting exactly but there were some ups and downs now, weren't there? However, I've also been contemplating on possibly killing John. That would make for a sweet suckerpunch. What do you guys think about that? Yay or nay? :) Bruce weeping with John's lifeless body in his arms, having died inside the asylum, never having got to see the Batcave or the outside again...   
> Oh, yeah, no, I've already made that one (All Is Lost) so don't worry. Maybe not this time.


	18. Naming the Recognized

_Dr Leland says it was just a minor setback. Nothing to worry about._

Bruce looks at Jay.

_Did you mention the knife?_

Jay looks sheepish.

_Well, I kind of forgot about that part. But she says that it’s completely normal to have a strong reaction to him after having been deprived from an actual sight of Batman with our last incident having turned out bad._

Bruce strokes his thumb over Jay’s.

_Did she give you any advice on how to handle those reactions if there’s a next time?_

He nods.

_Yeah. She just told me to take a deep breath, calm down and take a second to really consider about what I’m actually feeling and not simply act on the first emotion that surfaces. And even if I do feel angry, I shouldn’t result to violence in any form as the answer. I should just go see her or a nurse in that case._

Bruce nods.

_That sounds reasonable. How do you feel about that?_

Jay sighs a little heavily.

_I think whatever Dr Leland says is right. I mean, she’s a doctor with a diploma and a nice smile. But I…_

Jay turns to look at Bruce with an apologetic expression.

_I’m sorry, Bruce, but I still feel like it isn’t really fair what Batman does. It feels like he can do whatever he wants because somehow he’s always right even when it means he’s punching people and doing all these things without asking anyone’s permission. But when I try to do what I think is best, I always get chastised. That’s not… Who can really say for anyone what’s right and what’s wrong? It’s a buffet of morals and regulations and everyone gets a pick of whatever. It should be equal but…_

Jay turns his gaze away to the window.

_… here I am and you’re out there._

Bruce swallows in need of some words. He should know how to defend himself but Jay’s unguarded thoughts leave him bare and vulnerable.

_I see what you mean, Jay._

That’s all he can really say for now, Bruce understands, because truly he’s none the wiser than Jay in Jay’s mind-set of justice. They are all fighting their own battles but the field only favours a few and how can that seem right to anyone? Yet Batman seems to deem it just that and all the while he’s supposed to be Jay’s friend.

_I can’t even seem to set my mind on a name for myself. Right now, everything feels wrong._

Jay takes his hand from under Bruce’s and crosses his arms to hug himself.

_Usually a name is given instead of taken. Does Jay feel wrong to you as well?_

The man turns his anguished face to Bruce biting his lip. He looks unbalanced.

_I guess not. It’s what you always call me._

Bruce is patient.

_Then won’t Jay suffice? As a name for you._

He looks rather startled by the realization of the possibility.

_It’s so short…_

It sounds like a question on his tongue.

_There are shorter ones._

He looks at him like he doesn’t believe him.

_Say one._

Bruce smirks smugly.

_Al._

Jay looks resigned with the anti-climax. He unwinds his arms.

_Yeah, okay. Fine. Jay it is._

Bruce smiles at him.

_It’s a good name. I promise. Best of both worlds._

Jay frowns at him.

_Of what worlds?_

Bruce cards a hand through Jay’s hair. It’s very soft and long.

_Of John and Joker. Of you._

Jay presses into the touch like usual, a little shy, and then smiles.

_Maybe you’re right._

Bruce nods. He knows he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's Jay then!
> 
> You can follow me down there in the link for updates as well if you don't have an ao3 account. I also post a lot of batjokes there anyway :)  
> literallyabstract.tumblr.com


	19. Getting to It

By the time the pavement becomes to turn scorching hot and June rolls around, Bruce decides to have a talk with Dr Leland. He would like to know how Jay’s doing. Dr Leland says that it’s mostly confidential but tells him that Jay’s full recovery is still a long way down the line. It may even take many years even though his rather rapid progress so far has been quite remarkable already. However, a part of that is also due to Bruce’s support and the trust bond they have managed to build between themselves. Jay’s doing a lot better than ever before and so Dr Leland feels gracious towards Bruce Wayne.

They have an understanding of what the both they seek.

Dr Leland allows Bruce to spend an additional hour with Jay during his visitations as well as alternatively spending it in the recreation room where there’s a little more to do than in Jay’s modest room or the small yard.

Bruce appreciates even these small exemptions very much as he believes they will only further along Jay’s recovery and help him become more comfortable and behave more socially acceptably around other people while Bruce is also involved.

It just seems that Jay has a compulsion to impress Bruce which can result in some inappropriate situations even at the best of times.

It isn’t that big of an issue in Bruce’s mind if it only affected him but how people treat Jay afterwards a situation like that can have a negative input on his self-image. He wants Jay to be able to feel confidant and assured in his actions and when voicing his opinions. In order of that happening, Jay needs someone to trust completely so that he wouldn’t feel afraid to also make mistakes sometimes that he can learn from.

It is a learning curve after all – of what Jay seems to remember of his life, he’s always been in Arkham which isn’t the best of places to adopt the norms and concepts of socialization despite all the doctors surrounding him.

Bruce is very grateful indeed and he cannot wait to tell Jay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry about not uploading yesterday but honestly I had to take a moment to think about something concerning this story.  
> I heard a great concept coming in the comments from maraca about a bit of a sadder ending for this story or possibly doing two alternate ending to this like there were in the game. However, despite the concept was heartbreakingly beautiful, I feel like I just can't do it to these two. Not right now and not in this fic. I feel like they've gone through so much already and I really do need some fluff in my life myself so I think I'd rather keep them both alive for this fic and also stay away from two different endings as I think it might get too confusing as for now.  
> However, I think the concept could be very well put to account in a one-shot of some sort! I think I could get around to doing one after this fic is finished.  
> So yes. It was a really good idea from maraca and really had me thinking so thank you very much for that! 
> 
> Anyway, like the title says, we're getting to it - whatever that means - despite the short length of this one so hold onto your seats! Well, maybe not yet. But buckle up at least!


	20. Shuffling the Deck

For their second hour of the Tuesday they spend in the common room for the first time, all granted by Dr Leland’s good nature.

Jay leads them excitedly over to a table by the window. There are already two patients sitting there and playing cards. Both of them Bruce knows by appearance but not by name. They are both middle-aged men dressed in the standard white Arkham issue. Jay stands out with his violet jumper. Bruce gets a strange feeling of relief over that – that Jay doesn’t simply drown in all the white himself too.

The other man has a puppet in his hand that he talks to when he sees them coming.

Bruce feels a little hesitant to join them as they pretty much just glare at Bruce as Jay drags him by the hand closer and closer to them and then sits them down on the last two available metal chairs.  

_I told you Bruce comes to see me, I told you! And see? Here he is! Just like he promised. He’s such a good buddy._

Jay smiles at Bruce adoringly as he introduces him to the other patients. They only grumble in return and turn their gazes back to the table.

Thankfully the card game they join in on doesn’t require much conversation to be had and Bruce can simply stay quiet as they play and observe. Jay on the other hand can’t seem to stop discovering new topics to talk about as animated as ever that range from the weather to how the jello at Arkham tastes for some odd reason more like grapes instead of strawberries which it should in regards to its red colour.

After the card game is over – the puppet man won and meekly grinned only slightly in his victory – Jay takes the pack of cards and shows Bruce a new card trick. It’s a complicated one but this time he gets it right. Jay’s fingers are nifty around the cards and he is all smiles when he notices the amazed look on Bruce’s face.

They leave the table to let the puppet man and the other one with a wonky eyebrow to continue to play in peace and go over to sit on the couch instead. Even after all this time, Bruce can still remember vividly the last time he sat in this exact spot in front of the small Arkham TV.

Jay seems completely at ease in his surroundings but then again he also has the tendency to be able to appropriate any room wherever that may be. At other times Bruce can see it as a remarkable trait, but sometimes it also concerns him because it can cause a notable tension being to build in his presence.

For now, however, everything seems well.

They watch the news together without anyone interrupting them and comment on the current affairs. Bruce can feel the other patients watching them and especially keeping an eye on him as he’s the one who sticks out the most with his suit and tie and neatly combed back hair – he’s the one who’ll be walking out the doors today and seeing the outside world just like that.

But Bruce doesn’t care about the stares he might get. Not when he has Jay leaning into his side as they watch Gotham thrive and burn on the screen.

_Looks like Batman’s got a lot on his plate tonight._

Jay says quietly to him when they report on a grand theft of dangerous chemicals committed in the Gotham laboratories. Bruce looks to him and wraps an arm around Jay’s shoulders casually.

_That may be. But what Bruce Wayne has right now counts more to me than any robbery._

Jay giggles almost a little shyly.

_Aren't you a steal, Mr Wayne. But you'd better look out for yourself out there, Brucie. Those streets are unforgiving. I would like to see you here again some time._

Bruce smiles. Jay’s got nothing to worry about.

_I’m a good buddy, aren’t I? You can count on me. You haven't seen the last of me._

Jay looks at him for a long time, not sure if he's completely reassured or not. Then the Looney Tunes come on. Jay’s concerns are washed away by the first signs of a cat and mouse chase. Bruce holds also him a little tighter for good measure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll be fine for Batman, don't you worry.


	21. Holding onto Promises

Bruce has been thinking.

They are sitting in their usual seats in Jay’s room again.

Jay’s shuffling his worn slippers across the floor between his feet, fiddling hands in his lap, chewing on his lip until it goes red.

_What’s wrong?_

Jay looks up surprised. Then his expression turns gloomy again and he lowers his gaze back down to his feet.

_Nothing…_

Bruce leans forward in his chair.

_Jay, remember our promise? You can be honest with me. What’s on your mind?_

He looks at Bruce coyly, tilting his head to the side as he murmurs quietly in a response full of wariness.

_Arnold, you know that man with that shabby sock puppet from the card game? Well, he said that you only come to see me because you have to – out of guilt or because you can’t stop at this point anymore._

Jay’s words tremble on his tongue.

_H-he said that a man of your status could never willingly want to spend an hour or more of each of his Tuesdays with a sad old mental patient like me. He says I'm just boring you..._

Bruce frowns in disapproval.

_And you believe his words?_

Jay looks more nervous by the second, never daring to quite meet Bruce’s gaze.

_Well… It’s not something that has never come to my mind too. I just didn’t dare to say anything. I worried that if I was right and the truth came out,  well then you wouldn’t have a reason to come see me anymore. I-I couldn't bear even the thought of that - that I couldn't see you anymore..._

Bruce rubs his hand over his mouth, pressing and sighing against his fingers. Jay looks like he’s about to break any time soon. Bruce closes his eyes. 

_Well, he is right._

Jay’s eye widen and his mouth drops open in a shock of horror before breaking into the most horrible shade of sorrow. Bruce can see the tightening in his throat and can almost taste the salty tears clogging him up.

Bruce stands up but instead of continuing to the door, he walks over to Jay on the bed and sits down right next to him. Jay’s eyes only turn wider and he keeps his eyes trained on Bruce like there’s nothing else to perceive.

_I do have to come see you. But not out of guilt or because I can’t stop at this point. I have to because I need to. I need to see you, Jay, just like I need to breathe the air around us._

Bruce tells him without a trace of hesitation. He moves a finger from his own lips to Jay’s open ones. 

_And I really wish there weren’t any right here in this space between us anymore._

Jay stares at him stunned to silence but doesn't move away from his touch. The way he sits tight on his spot seems more like he's craving Bruce achingly but tries his best to be patient so that he'll be good with him. He wouldn't need to. Bruce will always be good with him. In fact, he can't hold it in a second longer. Gently he moves forward, tracing Jay's jaw with his finger.

_Remember when I asked if you were in love with me?_

Bruce sees understanding before him despite the silence. There's an electric anticipation. Crackling underneath his hand resting on Jay’s hand. Negative and positive attracting each other into a dangerous unstoppable impact.

_If I asked you again today, would your answer be different?_

They have lain themselves down onto the rickety small bed. When and how isn’t relevant but the way Jay has begun to regain hope back into his eyes. They shine like the stars far above in the sky but with the whole universe warm in Bruce’s arms.

_Yes, it would be._

His voice is fragile and as light as the wind outside but as deep as the sea. And more honest than any god’s. Bruce smiles and brushes back a few stray strands of green behind Jay’s ear.

_Then I would be very happy._

Jay shakes his head with shut eyes and hastily swallows his tears down. He grips the lapels of Bruce’s jacket like a man in the desert would a bottle of water.

 _P-please, you gotta say it, Bruce – so I_ - _I won’t get confused._

Bruce cradles Jay’s sharp cheek in his hand, brushing away the moisture that has already managed to escape. He looks directly into Jay’s green eyes and feels so very calm in spite of the madness regaining deep within them. He holds his gaze with ease and calms down the storms inside with softly spoken words and a smile.

_I’m in love with you, Jay._

Jay sobs out, the space between his brows creasing, biting his jaw shut.

_Bruce, a-are you serious? Are you really being completely honest with me? Because if this is a joke, I don’t like it!_

He warns him, his fists tightening on the fabric of Bruce’s suit. Bruce only holds him closer and presses him to his chest, wrapping arms around his small frame like ribbons around a gift. 

_I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this. I wouldn’t lie to you about anything, Jay. Never again. I promised that to you._

Bruce’s lips whisper into his ear. Jay presses his quivering ones against the skin of Bruce’s throat in turn between his dry sobs.

_And I plan to keep it, too. It was a pinky promise after all._

Sundown approaches behind the window casting lilac shadows in the white room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I tried so hard to make this perfect but there's still something stuck to my teeth about this. But you know, guys, we're beginning to reach the end soon. And still no proper kiss! Who do I think I am?! I really don't know.


	22. Chasing the Paramount

Bruce has been learning how to cook, been learning how to communicate with Tiffany and been getting letters from Alfred with British post stamps in the right top corner.

Bruce has been writing him back and talking with Dr Leland about the possibilities for the future. Bruce has been talking to the city officials about how Arkham isn’t supposed to be a prison where one is locked up for years and years to come but a rehabilitating mental institution from where one can be released after being deemed to be in healthy mental state by the competent professionals in their case.

Bruce has been trying his best every day.

He’s been making the bed every morning, boiling his coffee to perfection and putting his dishes in the washer and sweeping the floors in the evening before heading into the cave. He’s been cracking bones on the streets with blood speckling the asphalt and the Kevlar on his chest. He’s been filling the holding cells of the GCPD and working with Gordon just like the good old days.

Bruce has been trying so hard each passing day.

He’s been wading through papers in the top office of the giant building with his name on right across it in big metal letters. He’s been trying to compromise with corporate pigs inside the cold vast meeting rooms while trying to plan better things with better people behind their backs in modest underground headquarters. He’s been doing his best to shift more money back to the people of the city in efforts to save it whatever way he can, screaming at the shareholders through long paperwork and explaining how in the end everyone benefits from a more stable and safer city to live in.

The people of the worse for wear life are the cause of the people of the really good life, after all. In utopia that could be achieved, there could only be people of the liveable happy life. 

Bruce has truly been trying day and night through.

And finally it seems to be starting to pay off.

Jay’s benevolent smiles are becoming more frequent while his burst of anger and spells of lows have lessened and become less severe in tragedy. Bruce feels hopeful even though just getting so far has already taken another year of their lives spent inside boundaries of white tiles and indifferent guards.

Bruce knows how careless they can be – he takes advantage of that quality each time he brides one of them to look away from the security camera screens to hold Jay a little closer. That doesn’t mean he agrees with it. It means someone could also bribe them to make them look away when coming in with ill intentions towards Jay. That’s why Bruce pays them double himself.

However, no one else so far has come to visit Jay, which seen under different circumstances could be seen as a pity. Despite all of Jay’s efforts to gain friends, all he’s got is Bruce. Bruce knows that’s not right for him, however, he’s become quite possessive about where Jay’s affections lay though he also understands his need for other people he can trust. Moreover Jay would be better protected then.

When it’s a Tuesday, Bruce goes to see him with a hurried stride. The week he always has to wait between the visits gives him symptoms that could almost be compared to withdrawal. Sometimes he wonders whether he should go on medication himself because not all seems quite right.

When Bruce enters Jay’s room, Jay practically leaps on him.

_Bruce!_

They hug but there’s something rustling behind Bruce’s back as Jay’s wiry arms wrap around him.

_Hi?_

Bruce’s greeting comes out more like a question in bafflement to Jay’s sudden and overt excitement. Sure, it’s nothing new yet this seems even more than usual. Jay pulls away a slight to look at Bruce. He’s all smiles and starry eyes.

_Congratulations!_

Bruce can’t help but frown. Jay notices his confusion now.

_What? Haven’t you read todays funnies yet?_

Jay unwinds his hands back to himself to show him what had been making the rustling noises - the Gotham Gazette with Bruce’s face on the very front page under a bold headline. Jay reads proudly the text under the old black and white photo of Bruce posing in his office, leaning against his wide office desk for the press with a smirk no one could tell was as fake as ever.

_The CEO of Wayne enterprises Mr Bruce Wayne, the son of late Thomas and Martha Wayne, is being awarded this Saturday at City Hall for his outstanding and persevering charity involvement to bring the city back on its feet._

Jay looks up at Bruce for his reaction eagerly but all Bruce is honestly simply stunned silent.

_I wasn’t aware of that._

Is Bruce can only say as it’s true. Whenever something of this calibre happened, Alfred was usually there to give him the heads up so that he knew what to look out for. He couldn’t have anticipated something like this to happen, he’s been so focused on solving the mess that he hasn’t even thought to look up from the troubles for a second to take a breath and see what’s beyond him well and good.

Now the first in line to give Bruce the news seems to be Jay and that feels like a happy reconciliation to what Bruce has lost. A puzzle piece finally found and clicked in place to the bigger picture.

Jay stands on his tippy toes to get Bruce down to earth and gain his focus back on him.

_This is amazing news, Bruce! If anyone, you deserve all the recognition! Your efforts to make this city a better place are more noteworthy than what the governor has done in all his sitting years. I mean, come on, here you are even right now! Pouring money into one the biggest hellholes in town and actually seeing the places on a regular basis. Now that’s dedication!_

Jay laughs out long and loud.

_I’m going to cut this out and save it. Oh, I could glue it in that notebook you gave me last time and make it a history of all your great accomplishments with this at the forefront of it all. Doesn’t that sound great?_

Jay gets straight to work, pulling out the green leather notebook Bruce got him so that he could keep a diary of sorts if he wanted to – Dr Leland’s suggestion – or draw in it or do whatever he felt like with it.

He could actually spot an origami giraffe on Jay’s bedside table right now, folded out of the slightly yellow thick paper of the notebook. Jay starts carefully folding the front page of the newspaper so that he can tear the article out. When he’s done he thumps his palm against his head.

_Oh yeah, I can’t have any glue in my room. What am I going to do now?_

Bruce sits on the bed finally having got his head back to the ground out of some deep thoughts.

_You can finish it later in art therapy._

Jay slowly looks over his shoulder to Bruce with a cunning grin. His words are molten sugar as he speaks.

_Why yes, of course. Our party boy deserves all the attention right now. Everything else can wait until the world has burned down for all I care. I’ve got a Bruce Wayne in my bed after all._

With that being said, Jay leaves the paper on the night table and instead latches onto Bruce with yearning hands. Bruce laughs as Jay jumps in his lap. He wraps his arms around Bruce’s neck, fingers twisting into the hairs at the back.

They are so close, Jay is breathing against Bruce’s lips, eyes half-lidded and dark with desire. Bruce’s hands grip tighter at Jay’s hips. They simply gaze into each other’s faces, so close that everything becomes a blur and all they have is scent and touch.

Then finally, the air between them is no longer there.

Jay’s lips are warm and soft but holding Bruce against them like iron to a magnet. Whatever air there is, is shared and passed between their lungs until it begins to burn. With flames stroking their insides they continue until there’s whimpers and groans of desperation yet still only for each other.

Suddenly Bruce feels words being pressed against his mouth and Jay’s arms winding around him even tighter. He pulls away briefly to look at him and understand. Jay moans in refusal of Bruce’s action and closes in once more. Bruce cups Jay’s cheek in his hand and creates some space between them out of worry.

_Hey buddy, you feeling alright?_

Jay’s eyes are closed and a crease between his brows. He lets out a breath that comes out as a squeaky whine of desperation. He continues to try and get closer to Bruce but he keeps the distance in case something’s wrong and the board becomes dipped on one side too much. He would never willingly want to take advantage of Jay’s situation that can sometimes cause the scale to teeter.

_Jay, what’s going on? Tell me._

Green eyes finally open and the wide storm behind them is clear and cosmic and very unstable. His thoughts have gone wild again. Become too much for clarity. Bruce strokes his thumb across Jay’s browbone gently.

_Now that you’ve… you’ve accomplished all these things and they are giving you these awards, do you…- I mean, I don’t see any point in you needing to come back to see me. You’ve got the whole world out there looking up to you, I can’t be your number one fan anymore._

Bruce shakes his head with sadness on his tongue.

_No, no… Jay, please, don’t think like that. You need to remember that the only reason I come here, is because I need to see you – because I want to see you. I’m going to be coming here for as long as you are here._

Jay’s expression lightens up through the anxiety a tad. Bruce cards his finders through Jay’s hair and he leans into his touch eagerly and impatient like always, touch starved to limitless extents all his life and never being able to get enough of it now or knowing to simply trust it.

_And when you aren’t here anymore, you’ll be right beside me, and not just on Tuesdays._

A gasp escapes from between Jay’s red bitten lips. Bruce shakes his head again, this time in near amusement.

_I thought you already knew that. We are together after all, aren’t we? When you’re feeling better and get released, you’ll come live with me, won’t you?_

An uncontrollable cheek splitting smile is beginning to form on Jay’s lips.

_Are you serious?! I would get to live in that crazy rich mansion with YOU?_

Bruce chuckles.

_Only if you want to. But yes, I’d love to have you live with me in the mansion. And if you don’t like it there, we can get a penthouse or something and live there as well. Whatever you want, Jay. As long as you’ll have me._

Jay nuzzles his face in the crook of Bruce’s shoulder and neck.

_This has to be a dream. I can’t believe this is real._

Bruce rests his hand on Jay’s neck and sighs.

_Neither can I._

There is a smile pressing into Bruce’s skin until he has to leave again. Bruce drives home with another one on his lips. Even the dark clouds of the night ahead cannot dampen his mood. That night he cuts through the air while the moon shines through the clouds and washes everything white. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch, a little late again but I hope you guys don't mind too bad. At least the chapter was a little longer this time. And since we're getting closer to the end, maybe it's good to spread it out a little bit like Gotham does (the series, god damn when's the next episode coming out, I'm losing my mind over here). 
> 
> Either way, a KISS, finally! Hope it was good enough - I tried my best to make it worth all the wait. Let me know how are the feels doing :)


	23. Coming to an Agreement

It had taken a while for Bruce to accept that he loved Jay without any shame or a pang of guilt in his chest. He had had to work through those feelings before he could allow himself to surrender to what his heart yearned. He knew the end result would not change, what he felt for Jay would always stay there, but how he acted due to it would greatly depend on how he decided to react to the emotions in the first place.

Also, there had been the matter of how Jay would take it. Bruce needed to be sure that if he confessed his feelings to him in the most blunt and clear way, Jay wouldn’t feel pressured or marshalled by it. Bruce would never want to manipulate Jay ever again be it intentional or not.

After Jay had begun to feel much better and the year had rolled by smoothly enough while things were finding safe nourishing rooting ground, Bruce knew it was about time. He couldn’t have been more pleased about how it had went and about the proceedings afterwards.

He informed Dr Leland about their status in formal terms to which she had simply nodded with a kind small smile straightening a flopped corner in her papers on the desk. By Bruce’s request, she explained to him about patient releasing customs and whether Jay could move in with Bruce after Arkham.

She told him that a halfway house was usually where a released patient would live in their first few months, if not even years, until they found a safe place to move into on their own within a controlled and secure pace. She said that would be where Jay would move to as well if – _when_ , Bruce had corrected her – he was released.

However, Bruce could be a smooth negotiator when he wanted to be. They eventually arrived into an agreement that if – _when_ – Jay was released, he could move in with Bruce as long as he attended group therapy three times a week at Arkham and his private sessions with Dr Leland every other day and on the condition he reported to his parole officer daily. And since the two of them would be living together in this scenario, it would be beneficial if also Bruce attended some of Jay’s sessions as well, with Jay’s approval of course.

Bruce firmly shook on that and went home to tell the little Jay puppet the good news – he couldn’t wait for Tuesday. He couldn’t wait for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's tiny, but I'm slowing down again as really the end is near and I don't want it to finish yet. However, if you would be interested to read my interpretation or whatever I should call it (an analysis?) on Bruce and stuff in the meanwhile, you can on tumblr. I'll put the link down here again for that.
> 
> literallyabstract.tumblr.com


	24. Telling Good News

There’s only the buzzing of the screaming white lights above when they are together. The noises of the other patients, the sound of trollies pushed by the nurses and the thumps of orderlies stumping around in their heavy white boots outside Jay’s room quiet down to hum.

Only the loud buzz of those sterile white ceiling lights keeps Bruce’s eyes open while he lies in Jay’s bed with the man in his arms. His so warm and pliant, neatly tucked to Bruce’s chest like the little Batman in Jay’s cuddle in addition to the real thing.

_You’ll have a room of your own so that whenever you want, you can have a place for yourself where you can be alone but comfortable. But you’re always welcome in my room as well._

Bruce places a kiss behind Jay’s ear. He giggles at that and curls in on himself from the tickling. Bruce chuckles.

_In fact, I would personally prefer if you always slept in my arms just like this. But only when you feel like you’re ready for that._

Jay looks over his shoulder to Bruce with a smirk.

_I feel ready now._

Jay practically purrs at him. Then laughs at his own flirtation skills.

_God, I can’t wait to move in with you! Yet at the same time, I feel really nervous. I worry that I’m going to screw this up. Somehow, I always end up screwing things up._

Jay sighs out in trepidation and hugs tiny Batman a bit tighter. Bruce strokes his hand down Jay’s pale arm, leaning in to look at him.

_Don’t think like that, baby. You have nothing to worry about. You’ve been doing so well. Even if some small mishap does happen to occur during these last two weeks, Dr Leland isn’t immediately going to withdraw the release papers. They are already signed and ready to be realized on the date of your discharge. Besides she knows you better than that._

Jay doesn’t look fully convinced, a spark of doubt in the corner of his eye as he gazes up at Bruce’s face.

_Dr Leland wants all the best for you just like me, Jay. You’ve gotten so much better this time, she wants you to have a life outside of Arkham._

Jay leans towards him, back arching naturally as Bruce’s finger tilts his chin up.

_I want that so bad too, Bruce. That’s why I’m so scared I’m going to fail._

Green eyes glass over from his desperation for freedom and to succeed. Bruce breathes against his lips and holds his look firmly in his.

_You won’t. You can't. Not with me._

Bruce presses their lips together to seal Jay’s wish and to fulfil his hopes. An orderly knocks on the door as a warning. It seems like there’s someone actually watching the security feed this time.

They just smile at that and keep lying together on the small bed.

The lights above keep buzzing away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. The next chapter will be uploaded on Tuesday because it's going to be the last chapter and I'm a sucker for tradition and since I uploaded the second chapter a week later on a Tuesday as well, it only felt fitting the last chapter would follow that system. However, there's a bit of a surprise at the end of things but you don't need to worry about such things right now. You all lovely readers of mine can just breathe in and enjoy the fluff of this chapter and how things are working out just great and eat cotton candy and mochi ice cream like there's no tomorrow.


	25. Seeing Before Nightfall

The air is full of expectation. It nears on desperation.

For old times’ sake they sit in their usual places – Bruce on the dented metal chair in front Jay sitting on the edge of his bed. The sun is setting down and it casts light shades of pink and purple over Jay’s face. Bruce breathes in the cool air of the room.

Jay holds little Batman is his hands regarding it thoughtfully, fiddling with the black worn fabric of the cape. Bruce isn’t sure whether or not Jay wants him to take it with him with some of his other belongings he has already collected in a backpack in advance to the manor. The backpack is hardly half-full but there’s a couple of items Bruce has brought Jay over the course of his time in Arkham including the Santa hat he finally accepted their last Christmas. It’s bursting with memories.

It almost felt wrong to Bruce, honestly. As if what they had here was something they always needed to have and leaving would mean losing it all. It scared him but when he looked up from the backpack of Jay’s belongings to his hopeful green eyes, he understood that whatever happened next, needed to. and they would survive it like they always did.

Their friendship before wasn’t all bad and neither was their relationship going to be. They were going to find happiness no matter what it took even if that meant only finding it in each other when meeting with darker times. The good would outweigh the bad.

_You don’t have to let go of it yet._

Bruce smiles softly at Jay’s surprised look at the notion that he noticed his apprehension although he always did. Then a slow, slightly coy smile curved on his lips he had started painting red after getting an approval from Dr Leland, and then selecting the right shade from the several makeup magazines he went through for Bruce to pick it up. Bruce of course took his business to the best place in Gotham for such affairs and admired the results in quiet astonishment when Jay applied the rich and creamy lipstick called Dynamite Red with careful precision on his lovely lips with his precise fingers before messing it all over Bruce’s mesmerized face in amidst of a fit of the giggles.

It wasn’t the colour of the Joker. It was undeniably the colour of Jay and of who he was today.

Today on their last Tuesday. And a mere yet a lifetime of a week later, he would be tucked into Bruce’s side as they would walk out of these tiled hallways buzzing with white light into the bright and uneven of the world outside finally together.  

And in case Jay wouldn’t make the whole way out himself, then Bruce would be there to help him the rest of the way with warm and gentle smiles and hands holding him against his heart.

Jay would have nothing to fear with him by his side. That is what Bruce promised to himself when he came here today and packed Jay’s things away in the backpack Alfred had given him the day when he started school again after losing his parents and Bruce having had thrown his old one in the river.

This is what he promises Jay when he tells him to keep little Batman with him until he’s walking with him hand in hand through the door of his room and to the grounds were there’s no more oppressive and secure fences surrounding him.

Jay smiles and places the puppet back to its spot beside the pillow.  

_Maybe that’s best. The nights are still the same here… a little funny. He’ll keep me safe._

He murmurs to little Batman but then looks up at Bruce with a knowing spark in his trusting eyes. Bruce’s whole demeanour softens with that display of faith.

_C’mere._

Bruce stretches his hand out and Jay grabs it instinctively and gets into Bruce’s lap immediately. Bruce folds his arms around him feeling the softness of the lilac jumper underneath his fingers and the sharp edges of Jay’s hips at the backs of his elbows.

Jay smiles down at him, hands brushing at the short hair at Bruce’s neck gently.

_What is the first thing you want to do next Tuesday when we are out these doors? Tell me and we’ll do it._

Joker bites his lips, gazing over to the window in animated contemplation, the warm light washing his eyes and hair an even brighter green. The red lipstick glimmers as he releases his lower lip from the bite. He turns his head and stares at Bruce with wide eyes full of thrill. He leans in next to Bruce’s ear, hands squeezing a little tighter at dark hair and Bruce can’t wait to hear it.

_The very first thing I want to do, Brucie, my darling, after being locked up between these boring old white walls with only you as a light I could thrive on…_

Jay pulls away slightly to hold a his intense gaze in the pools of blue of Bruce’s eyes and then whispers it while pressing their foreheads together and cupping Bruce’s jaw in his tender hold.

_… is to simply spend some more time with you._

After their mouths meet and seal the promise of future, Jay pulls away slightly for another moment.

_But after that, I would really like to get some ice cream._

Bruce chuckles heartily against the pale skin of Jay’s cheek and holds him a little tighter against his chest.

_I think that can be arranged._

Jay leans in closer to Bruce as well and snickers breathily into the curve of his neck.

_Do you remember that little café we went to last time when we went out for coffee and you gave me horrible dating advice? Or wait, do you think we might actually be banned from there? We did cause a bit of a scene there last time, didn’t we?_

Jay laughs, shaking in Bruce’s lap. Bruce brushes a few long strands of green hair from his mouth behind Jay’s ear before replying.

_Quite possible but don’t worry, I’ll get you that ice cream even if I’ll have to make it myself._

Jay looks at Bruce with endearment shining deep in his eyes like the rays of purple light and in the curves of his mouth, making Bruce believe that the manor that has been so empty the last couple of years making Bruce feel suffocated despite its vast spaces and the memories hung on the walls, will soon feel like home again even if it’s new.

_I know._

After all, it already feels so familiar.

Bruce trusts it as the comforting warmth in his arms and the soft laughter in his ears. He trusts that whatever he faces beyond these doors when he walks out of there with Jay, that warmth will never leave him regardless of what the inevitable dark clouds that will forever loom over Gotham and its dauntless citizens will bring them.

He feels like nothing can halt them now. After all, nothing ever could.

When a nurse knocks on the door, Bruce leaves alone for the last time. He grips the backpack of Jay’s personal possessions he will fill their home with in one hand and in the other, he holds Jay against him and tells him how he will miss him but how it’s only going to be another week until they see each other again on Tuesday.

And Jay tells him he’ll miss him too with lingering red kiss on Bruce’s lips and a soft touch of his hand to Bruce’s jaw. Bruce feels his throat tighten but his chest is warm with liquid gold. He can barely contain it all and he sees Jay’s having trouble, too. He promises him one last time for reassurance. He promises for them both and Jay nods his head letting go of Bruce and holding his hands to his chest instead while the nurse calls the day off.

Bruce watches the door to Jay’s room hauntingly close until he can no longer see the brilliant green eyes sparkling at him anymore or the purple shades on the sun dancing behind him on the tiled white floors.

With that, Bruce walks through the hallway bathed in lilac and breathes it in as he grips the backpack in his hand a little tighter. Just until another Tuesday and there will be no more days in-between separating them. No more absences or need for little Batman to keep Jay safe at night. No more hurt and no more homes that don’t feel like homes anymore.

Without hesitance, the night swallows the sun and the sky turns black. And when the signal arises, Bruce keeps Jay in his heart when he delves into the darkness of the city, feeling stronger with each moment passing as it is a moment closer to Jay.

Bruce breathes it all in even when the ground is uneven and there’s only yourself to count on. Bruce does it as he knows Jay would as well.

The moonlight washes the darkness in them bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed already from the chapter count, that little surprise I told you about in the last chapter, is in fact another "last chapter" which is an alternate ending for this story - most probably much to everyone's great surprise. However, I want to leave a small disclaimer here which is that if you enjoyed this ending and liked the way it holds hope and good things for the future and would want nothing else for these two because you're a good person with a soul of an angel, then I highly recommend sitting the alternate ending out. You need to understand that these last two chapters are both endings on their own and both are as true and equal as the other one - but they can also be separate endings so you can decide for yourself which one is yours, combine them or simply do whatever you please. I just feel like two endings couldn't make this fic any more "telltale" than it already is much to my great effort, triumph and trial. 
> 
> In other news, however, I'm so sad that this fic has come to an end, honestly. I had such great fun at writing this and in this drabble form that is actually still quite new to me. But as all good things must, this one needed to be finished as well. But needless to say I think, this story really would have been nothing without all you guys! Your love and support for this fic has been utterly incredible and hearing your thoughts on it has been so wonderful and beyond my wildest dreams. This story has been undeniably my most favoured one and this unexpected  
> greatly positive reaction I've received from all of you readers was really staggering to me. It's brought me so much joy even though keeping an audience like this has also added a certain pressure factor to writing as well. Despite that, I have nothing but good things to say about this experience (no matter what the next chapter might hold even though just thinking breaks my heart) and I'm so grateful to have had it. 
> 
> So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I really hope you've had even a fraction of the fun reading this as I've had writing it because truly even in that case, it is be quite remarkable on its own!
> 
> Please do let me know how you liked this ending and whether or not you'll stick with it just like so and save yourself, or perhaps make a deal with the devil and take a daring glance at the alternate one when it comes out in a few days. I'd love to know as always - you lovely ducks know little ol' me, grabbing at the straws while others hold their heads high with dignity and confidence :)


	26. Parting Before Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALTERNATE ENDING  
> Warning: some deep deep angst and heavy stuff like that. HAS TO DO WITH MEDICATION. Stop reading if you don't like it.  
> However, if you'd like to have the sad train real bad, might I suggest listening to "Hostiles Medley" and "Hannibal Medley" in the background to rile yourself up on the heartbreak. I sure know it worked for me.

On their very last Tuesday, Bruce is ever so slightly late.

He had made an order to a jewellery store that he was meant to pick up today, however the extra turn on the street had ended up with him stuck in a terrible traffic jam. Anxious anticipation was itching at him as he sat there in his car, the small but heavy jewellery box lying right next to him on the passenger’s seat, behind nearly a hundred other cars waiting to get to the busy highway.

Bruce could not wait to see the look on Jay’s face when they would finally face the outside world together, united. It had taken so much work on both of their parts but especially on Jay’s. He had done a tremendous job in rehabilitation and Bruce couldn’t have been more proud of him. There was still a long journey ahead for full recovery but that was nothing they wouldn’t be able to handle.

When Bruce eventually entered through the old gothic entrance of Arkham, the only worry in his mind was that maybe Jay would take his gift the wrong way. Well, not necessarily the ‘wrong’ way but Bruce simply didn’t want the slim white gold bracelet with the initials ‘ _J. W. & B. W._’ engraved to the back of its beautifully ornamented front side.

Bruce had just reckoned that perhaps Jay might appreciate having a real surname along with the rest of his transformation into becoming himself instead of retaining the status of an unidentified person. What that surname would be… well, Bruce just wanted to offer him a helping hand with that but if Wayne did not interest him, Jay would still be free to choose whatever he wanted as long as it began with the letter ‘W’ and even that wouldn’t have to be.

Bruce gave out a shuddering sigh when he pocketed the sleek jewellery box in his breast pocket and walked inside the asylum.

He briskly made his way pass the front desk, already sporting an eager smile with each step that brought him closer to Jay and to their unionized freedom. When Bruce took out his visitor pass to present it to the guard by the door to access the patients’ area, he didn’t even notice the front desk nurse sprinting behind him to call Dr Leland.

Bruce didn’t even notice something was wrong at first as he kept on smiling while focusing on getting to Jay as soon as possible. Not even the guard looked out of sort as he simply let Bruce in without question as he hadn’t been told yet. Not yet. No one had had the time.

It all had happened so quickly.

They were still filing paperwork.

Still trying to make sense of it.

No one had even had the chance to tell Bruce yet.

And so, when Bruce finally got to Jay’s door, there was only the surprise of an empty room waiting for him instead of a pair of excited embracing arms.

Bruce mind immediately went to the most plausible explanation, thinking that maybe because he was slightly late, Jay had already gone ahead in Dr Leland’s office to sign the papers to stay in their schedule and that no ice cream eating would have to wait until later.

Bruce was still smiling when Dr Leland walked over to him waiting by Jay’s doorway for the man himself to show up. Bruce was still smiling, thoughts on how wonderful the day was going to be, even when Dr Leland didn’t and there was no green hair following behind her step.

Bruce was still smiling until he wasn’t.

_Where is he?_

Dr Leland has the most broken expression on her face that had been stapled together with the glue of history of too many incidents of the same kind behind her to keep up her front of professional stability. She even had to take a few pauses between her words at times when she had to explain the whole situation to Mr Wayne. She had to glance over to the floor at times when she saw how the words were hitting Mr Wayne down to the ground and could barely take it.

Grinding her teeth together, eyes hard with the effort not to cry and to keep her voice steady she told Mr Wayne that there had been an accident. And how none of it was Mr Doe’s fault. And how she was so very sorry. How very sorry she was for everything. How sorry she was herself for being too late.

Bruce could only stare at her when she told him with her careful but pained words. He could only stare with nearly a blank expression because the shock was too strong at first to even try to comprehend what she was telling him.

When he actually started hearing the words, he nearly laughed out of not being able to believe it but it soon turned into a chest hollowing exhale of lead-heavy air.

_Y-you’re telling me that, that, uhm… You're telling me Jay’s dead?_

Bruce repeats Dr Leland announcement with a stuttering voice he can’t seem to control in any way. For some reason Bruce can just focus on how it feels like his arms hanging limply by his sides with weights strapped to them, gravity feeling stronger than ever underneath his feet, the floor – the void – nearly calling out for him and how he feels like he’s about to fall.

He looks behind his shoulder into Jay’s room. It looks exactly how he had left it.

No.

It feels like he’s falling.

From a twenty-story building.

And there's no cape around him to save him now.

No Joker to catch him before he crashes.

_The nurse was new. Someone had mixed up the dosages and he didn’t know that there was something wrong with the prescription he gave to John. It concluded into an overdose and when the nurse and I were finally alerted to his condition, it was already too late. There was nothing we could do. He had no pulse._

Bruce keeps staring at her. The weight in his arms trapping his hands, his whole body, suddenly with fire he feels like he can’t quite control. His hands tighten into fists at his sides. The numb airy yet dropping feeling inside him begins to spark into a blaze with the tinder of the excuse Dr Leland offers him with ever-apologetic dark eyes.

_But you’re telling me… that this happened yesterday? It was Jay’s evening medication and you didn’t notice…_

Bruce’s interrogating voice turns into a growl.

…’ _anything’ until it was already too late, hours after midnight?_

She looks slightly intimidated by him. With every right.

_The orderlies here… Mr Wayne, I’m sorry, but you must understand the corruption here at Arkham. There are some bad apples and unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it although I’ve tried, so many times. I just seem to have no power in the board meetings when it comes to their hiring practises. They don’t care about quality but only about the quantity of money they’ll save if they hire less qualified people even when it puts the patients’ welfare at risk._

Bruce’s breathing picks up despite how he tries to control himself as not to hurt the wrong people in this case. But the bite in his voice as he demands more ultimately useless and vain answers from her, he can’t and doesn’t care enough, to regulate.

_So the orderlies hadn’t been paying attention? They hadn’t cared enough to check up on Jay when he had been begging for help? It’s the fault of a few bad apples that my friend is now dead? It’s the corruption’s fault? It’s the lacking funding’s fault for keeping up the corruption? It’s 'my' fault that Jay’s gone?_

Dr Leland raises her hands slightly towards Bruce but not touching as to calm him down.

_Please, Bruce. It’s an unnecessarily complicated issue however I can assure you this is none of your fault. I wish this hadn’t happened, I honestly do. Our patient-doctor relationship had become very close over the years and I might even say that John had become a friend to me as well. John had come such a long way and to have it end like this, it's a true tragedy. He didn’t deserve this after everything._

She takes a deep breath and then looks straight at Bruce and his shattered expression.

_But what you did for him, Bruce, is priceless. You were his first real friend. I know you cared for him but you have no idea how much he cared for you. During our sessions, he would talk so much about you. He once told me how half the time he couldn’t even believe that you were real. You made John feel so much better about himself and about the world with the friendship you showed to him. No amount of therapy alone could have achieved the paramount improvement I saw happen within him after you walked into his life. It was thanks to you, Bruce, that he even dared to dream about going back out there into the world._

Dr Leland dares and puts her hand on Bruce’s shoulder comfortingly as he looks back at her hopelessly, the strain of anger beginning to leave him with her words and instead leaving him feeling weak as a bird.

 _And it is also thanks to you he even came this close to that. I so wish things would have gone differently, that this city wasn't the place it is - bringing people down even at rockbottom - but we have to accept what happened here. We can’t dwell on '_ _what ifs' and 'whose fault it was'. There will certainly be consequences, I'll personally makes sure of that, but all I want you to focus on now, Bruce, is on your grieving, and then ultimately, on moving forwards._

Bruce looks down at his feet before his gaze slowly wanders over the tiled floor back into Jay’s little room. Without a word or a request of permission, he slowly steps in, over to the small nightstand and the bed that's blanket is still rumpled from a half a night’s worth of bad sleep.

Tears breach over Bruce’s eyes. He looks over all of Jay’s belongings that had been left for picking up today. For their last day.

The two framed photos of the two of them, one from the outside, the other one from when Bruce brought him the instant disposable camera. In the latter one, the both of them look so happy despite the circumstances, Bruce feels his chest welling up with something he can't quite explain. 

Next to the photos is Jay’s tube of lipstick that’s already nearly all used up. He really did like the colour. The sunglasses, the Santa hat and everything else had already been packed and taken into the manor. There was just Jay’s notebook on the bedside table with a green pencil next to it, short from all the scribbles he made.

On the bed, there’s tiny Batman. It’s been thrown over the thin blankets dismissively, clearly not by Jay.

So it must have been after…-

The soft buzz of the lights above consume Bruce’s hearing until he can’t make clear of anything else. Or maybe it’s the blood rushing in his veins which in turn causes the faint feeling Bruce has as he goes to lean over the bed and to pick up the puppet. Bruce's breathing falters. 

Oh Jesus…

Everything looks like nothing has happened, yet… everything has changed.

Bruce shakes his head in a vain effort to try to clear his thoughts while rubbing his hand at his temple, holding tiny Batman in his other hand close to his chest. It smells of Jay – warm, sweet and just Jay. Tears bursts over Bruce’s cheeks as he shuts his eyes tighter.

He can’t do this. This can’t be happening. How could this be happening…

In any scenario this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. They were supposed to leave. Today.

Together.

_I’m taking these with me._

Bruce simply states to no one and anyone after he has brushed away the tears from his face. He starts to collect the rest of Jay’s belongings in his arms. They don’t stop him even though they probably would need to in a legal sense. They just know better than to even try.

The sky is blue and the sun is shining behind the window Jay has stared through all these years and the city behind it all. It would have been the perfect day to finally face the world.

Well, if Bruce would try to think more positively although it feels like a farce more than anything right now. He thinks that though Jay might have not got to really live the life they were supposed to have together, at least he wasn’t stuck here in this buzzing little room anymore that was caging and captivating him and his should-have-been-life away from each other. He wasn't locked away anymore.

No, the thought it silly and makes Bruce only angrier. 

Then he thinks about where they might bury Jay. Where all the 'unknown' are taken. 

Just outside that window. 

When Bruce faces Dr Leland by the door again, he breathes for a second before saying anything looking at Jay's empty bed from the corner of his eye, then to the security camera in the corner of the room.

He's trying so hard again to remain stable. To stand and feel the ground beneath him flat and balanced. He looks at her determined while holding back the chaos inside him behind the facade of firmness. 

_I will handle Jay’s burial._

He says to her in a way that leaves no room for negotiation although his statement probably isn’t without some legal trouble either. Either way, she merely nods. They’ll figure something out. They both know that Bruce will do much better with Jay’s funeral than anyone else. Besides, it’s what they deserve – Bruce and Jay.

Bruce leaves with that and everything of Jay’s with him. But he so wishes he would have Jay with him instead of just his things and the memories of him.

Oh God, there’s so many memories Bruce will need to cherish more carefully now as not to forget any moment he has had with Jay because there won’t be any more ahead of them, will there.

Yet, there’s that brutal realization of knowing that it’s inevitable that everything – the little – he has of Jay with him now will eventually be gone. Some he will forget, some he’ll misremember, some he’ll lose with age. And one day, he too will die and all that will be left are what Bruce is carrying right now.

Back in the manor, Bruce places them in their rightful places with the care of worship. He places in the room that would have been Jay’s to take and which already houses the rest of the small amount of things he has managed to acquire during his short time outside and what he has been allowed to have in Arkham.

Only now, while looking around the light filled room, Bruce’s favourite room in the whole manor which is why he dedicated it to Jay, does Bruce notice how nearly every item of Jay’s is one he has given to Jay himself.

And only then, does he remember the small box inside his breast pocket. It weighs more than it should when Bruce takes it out and opens the lid.

The lump in his throat almost blocks his airflow completely and tears cloud his vision.

He will give this to Jay. If it’s the last thing Bruce will do, he’ll give Jay what was always his, what he belongs to him and what he deserves to have.

No matter what, this will be their day.

This is what Bruce decides as he closes the lid with a loud snap and jaw shut tight.

Before night falls, Bruce is seated in the cave in front of the computer. He needs to see the security camera feed of Jay’s room from that faithful night to see what really happened. To see his darling so that Jay wouldn’t have to be alone. To spend those last few moments with him.

Bruce breaks into Arkham’s security system easily enough as he has done before. He opens up the undisclosed audiotrack to the security feed as well and turns it on with the video. He fastforwards to last night’s feed, to the moment the evening medication is brought to the patients.

There the ignorant nurse administers the medication to the unsuspecting Jay who’s practically vibrating with excitement for the following day, oblivious to the nightmare ahead.

The lights are switched off and only the moonlight illuminates the room that looks so small from the view of the camera.

Bruce watches on with dread as Jay tucks himself in bed, taking the framed picture of Bruce and him, both smiling, in his hands with a dreaming expression on his beautiful face before placing it back on the nightstand carefully, a finger lingering to brush over Bruce’s face.

He looks so innocent and so small there. And so hopeful. For a second even Bruce forgets everything and he just watches Jay with love in his eyes, waiting himself as well, for the Tuesday they’ll both leave together into a life of their own. 

Jay then takes little Batman out from underneath his thin blanket and holds it in front of him with a soft smile.

 _Just a little while longer, Brucie. Soon I’ll be home and there won’t be a second that we’ll have to be apart. Until then, you can keep me safe, little Batsy._  

Bruce’s heart breaks, eyes brimming with hurt and his gloved hands clutching the edge of the desk creating dent marks into the surface.

God, Bruce failed him.

An hour into Jay sleeping with tiny Batman by his side, he suddenly wakes up. The look on Jay’s face is pained and he’s twitches and turns on his bed, holding his stomach at times, rubbing his hand at his temple at other with anxious groans and sighs.

He clearly tries to get over it at first, probably blaming it on his nerves, but something is wrong and after two more hours of agonizing fumbling in the darkness, trying to find some sleep, Jay knows it’s something serious.

He sits up slowly from his bed and holds tiny Batman to his chest with both hands as he softly pads over to the locked door. He knocks on it with a flat palm to alert the nightshift orderlies but as not to wake up the other patients with too much noise.

No one comes and Jay huffs out, pacing around for a bit in the darkness in his slippers. He keeps tiny Batman tightly against himself, rubbing at his arms from coldness despite wearing the warm lilac jumper Bruce gave him.

Jay stops to look from outside the window longingly for a second. He rubs at his head with a grimace, fingers disappearing into his soft green hair before he looks down at the puppet quietly.

Then he walks back to the door and thumps his hand against it three more times. This time finally someone comes after a while and opens the small hatch in the door to see what is going on.

_What is it, freak? You know some people are trying to sleep here._

So that’s why they didn’t come check on him the first time – they were sleeping while on duty. And they were evidently unprofessional in other ways, too.

Jay leans downwards slightly to talk through the hatch quietly.

_Could you call the nurse? I feel kind of funny._

Jay sounds worried even himself but the orderly clearly don’t care about that.

_Funny? Well that’s what clowns are supposed to feel like, 'Joker', so pipe it down, will ya._

Is retorted angrily right back to Jay along with the slam of the hatch being shut. The desk between Bruce’s grip squeaks.

Jay straightens his back again with an apprehensive and worried look. He hugs tiny Batman closer to him and still stares at the door not knowing what to do. He bites his lower lip that’s washed off from the lipstick after shower and then walks back to his bed and sits down nervously. 

Jay pulls the blanket over himself and the puppet but is clearly too concerned about his state to go back to sleep.

Progressively the symptoms of the overdose become more and more aggressive. The stomach pains are becoming worse as Jay squeezes his arms against it while still holding onto tiny Batman for desperate comfort. Headaches and dizziness are visible too as Jay keeps rubbing at his temple at times and his face contorting with pain when a particularly bad slash of pain hits his head.

After an hour or so, he stands up again blanket falling of his shoulders. This time his footing is slightly faltering that he almost falls back down to the bed. With wavering steps, he determinedly makes his way back over to the door and pounds his fist against the wood hard though with barely any energy left in him as the hand he lifted for knocking falls right back to his side limply after it’s done.

No one comes.

Bruce feels like he might just break his teeth from gritting them together so hard.

Jay slides onto his knees to face the hatch that remains closed.

_Please. Somebody. I really don’t feel that good. I think something’s wrong…_

Jay pleads pitifully but can barely raise his voice enough now to even bother the orderlies to come and check on him.

Jay pounds his fist against the door three more times yet nothing. After a few moments, he picks himself up from the cold floor, the puppet still safely tucked to his side. Jay goes to sit by the windowsill where he fits just well enough with his knees brought up to his chest.

Jay gazes out into the night with an anxious, desperate look on his face. He then looks at tiny Batman in his hands with sad eyes. He whispers to it.

_I’m feeling kind of scared right now, Batsy. Do you think that you could maybe come see me? …Please? Even for a little while. I know you’re probably really busy saving people and keeping the bad guys off the streets but… I really need you, Bats. I don’t think I feel too good but the orderlies don’t believe me._

A whimper of pain comes through his lips and there's a crease between his brows as he continues with a small, frightened voice to tiny Batman. 

_I... I worry I might not be able to leave tomorrow with you if I don’t get better soon_

Jay’s voice starts hitching slightly.

_And I really want to go with you. I really do._

Bruce can barely see the screen anymore. The desk can barely take it anymore. Jay’s broken quiet voice echoes in the cave.

_Please, Batsy. I really need you to come..._

Bruce wants to scream. And he does.

A half an hour later of tremors of pain later that causes Jay to start whimpering out loud, Jay eventually stumbles down from the windowsill and halfway on his way to the door again, tiny Batman drops to the ground from his loving hold and soon after, Jay as well.

He collapses right by the door he’s reaching for with legs that won’t obey him anymore out of numbness, and on the way down, he hits his head against the door.

He falls on his back arms thrown either side of him. Tiny Batman lies just out of his reach. His green head turns to face it but his eyes are closed and his breathing stops.

Bruce cries out in pain, fist slamming on the desk, breaking it. With sobbing pants he watches as finally an orderly comes to check on him due to the loud noise. He picks up his walkie-talkie and alerts a nurse and other orderlies. The nurse in turn alerts Dr Leland who is handling a late shift. She hurries over to Jay, dropping to his side to see if he’s conscious. But she discovers it to be worse.

She presses two fingers to the pulse point on Jay’s neck. When she finds no pulse, she immediately starts to resuscitate with chest compressions. But it’s no use anymore. She is too late.

They all are.

Dr Leland gazes at Jay for a long while after that. Bleakly. Her gaze follows Jay’s left arm towards the tiny Batman. She sits there on her knees with Jay while the other staff stands around in awkward silence of not knowing what to do. She brushes the hair away from Jay’s face gently and cups his cheek with apologetic affection and loss.

_I’m so sorry._

She whispers to him.

A stretcher is brought over and Jay is carefully lifted on it with Dr Leland’s unforgiving supervision of it. They pull a white sheet over him and he’s taken away. Just like that.

The door is once more, shut, and darkness falls into the room and over tiny Batman one of the nurses picked up and threw on the bed. 

Bruce’s fist lodges itself inside the computer screen only a moment later.

Bruce puts on the cowl and gets in the batmobile with the rush of power that derives from intent and knowing of not having anything to lose.

He drives to Arkham the darkness of the night and the aching love in his heart as his companions. He has no trouble getting inside or maybe it’s just no trouble to him.

Any orderly that comes his way towards the basement floor falls to the ground unconscious. Blood drips from Bruce’s fists as he finds his way to the morgue.

The cold seeps through the suit as he walks into the blaring whiteness of the harsh loud lights and the imposing white concrete walls. He stops quickly but not to adjust to the difference in light but for the sight before him.

Right there, in the middle of the room, on a metal table, is a body covered with a white sheet.

Bruce’s heart jumps into his throat but he forces his legs to move over to it. When he’s right next to it, he can’t almost make himself do it. He’s encompassed with white and light and the sinking feeling of loss.

But with great determination, he carefully takes his hands to either side of the head to lift the cover away onto his unmoving chest.

A sob escapes Bruce immediately when he sees him.

Even as pale as he naturally was, death gave him its usual pallor. But he was still beautiful. And Bruce loved him. So much.

Even though the deep, bone driving ache still lingered on and was very much there, seeing Jay – being near him like this even if in reality he was far away – had Bruce feel like he was so much closer to him. He could even… touch him.

Gently and with great care, Bruce embraced Jay’s face in his hands, cautious not to get any of the blood on him. He felt so sad not to be able to even see his eyes anymore. Not to see them light up, not to see how the light danced in the green.

Bruce had never seen Jay like this. So still. Face so relaxed and calm.

He looked so calm.

He could have been asleep.

Bruce took his gloves off and traced the light purple of the soft thin skin around Jay’s eyes lightly. He was cold… He was always so warm but now he’s so cold.

But he still smelled the same. Still like Jay.

Bruce pressed his nose into the soft green hair as he caressed Jay’s sharp cheek tenderly. He stayed there. Bruce swallows painfully through the clog in his throat.

_I-I’m… I’m so sorry, Jay… I’m so sorry I failed you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m so sorry you had to go through that pain alone. And I’m so sorry I couldn’t take you home soon enough._

Bruce lifts his head crying as he looks down at Jay. 

_It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry Jay!_

Bruce brushes the hair from Jay’s face that doesn’t even twitch. His pale lips are closed but ever so slightly red still from the residue of his lipstick.

Oh God, it just looks like he’s sleeping. It’s like he’s just sleeping. He’s so cold, Bruce just wants to warm him up with his hands.

Bruce takes out the little box he took with him and opens the lid quietly. He needs to do this now or he’ll might lose the chance. He lifts the elegant bracelet from its satin casing and then uncovers Jay’s left arm. He gently pushes back the lilac jumper that he’s still wearing, just like he always is, and lovingly closes the bracelet around Jay's pale wrist.

_I hope you would have accepted this. It could have been whatever you’d have wanted it to be. I just wanted you to find a home with me because like you said, home is where your heart is, and you had been without a real one for so long._

Bruce says and watches how perfectly the white gold band fits Jay’s small wrist.

_I know I found home in your heart._

Bruce pulls the sheet back over the hand with pity and then looks back to Jay’s face. He sighs out with a shuddering breath. He would give anything, do anything, to have Jay open his eyes again. To get to see those green eyes sparkle. To see his playful yet soft smile. To hear his lovely voice. To listen to what he would say.

Just to even feel his warmth again.

How could things go wrong so fast? Bruce thought he knew, but each time feels as crushing as it would happen for the very first time.

You cannot get used to losing the people you love. Bruce doesn’t want to. He never wants to again.

Bruce gazes over Jay, missing, chest tight and lungs empty, and then carefully leans over him, his hands gently holding his face he never wants to forget, and closes his eyes as he softly presses his lips against his one last time.

Lingering for an eternity of a second. Holding his left hand between his two palms gently.

_You didn’t have enough time. You didn’t get to experience as much happiness as you deserved, and you had to feel too much pain. I wasn’t good enough for you. I could never keep you safe enough. Yet you trusted me till the end. I didn’t deserve that. None of it, Jay._

A tear falls onto Jay’s pale cheek as Bruce stands back up straight. He puts his gloves back on resolutely but can’t help but card his fingers through Jay’s hair one more time. Just a small curve of a smile reaches Bruce's lips as he gaze upon Jay remarkable beauty. Because seeing him was always so good. Because loving him felt so right even when it was wrong. Because he made Bruce happy when he didn't think it was even possible. 

_But I need you to know this, darling – you had all my love. And I so hope that was enough to some extent. For as long as you could have it, I hope it was enough to make you smile. And in some way, I hope it still can, because you still have all of it - right here._

Bruce presses Jay's hand over his armored chest. Right over his withering heart still bravely beating for them both.

A clink is heard.

The door opens up behind them.

Bruce turns his head slowly around.

Dr Leland’s shocked face stares back at Batman, her hand still gripping the doorknob in surprise. She must have followed the trail of fallen orderlies to have come here.

After she gets over the initial frights, she takes in the scene like the psychiatrist she is.

She sees how Batman holds Jay, the hand in his hair and the other one over his hand.  She sees the broken look in his eyes that showcases in his whole demeanour. She sees the fallen tear on Jay’s face.

She takes a cautious step forwards, her hand leaving the doorknob. Her expression softens.

_Bruce?_

He says nothing. Bruce turns his gaze back to Jay. He’ll need to leave soon. She has most likely called the police by now. They will be here shortly.

Bruce takes in another breath that this time doesn’t shake as much. He caresses his thumb across Jay’s cheek and with nothing left to lose, he leans in one more time and presses a kiss to his forehead.

Then even more carefully than when he had lifted the white sheet, Bruce lays it back over Jay’s face.

Bruce swallows. His chest tightening as he has to make himself turn around. He wonders if Jay felt like this during his last moments. This horrible, gut wrenching feeling of having to say goodbye to a dream he was so close to attaining. This eyes watering, hopeless yet a desperate feeling of knowing he was so close and then losing everything on the very last minute and not being able to even say one’s last words.

He doesn’t even glance at Dr Leland when he passes her in the doorway. She watches him walk off quietly. But before he’s out the door, she gathers her courage for one last thing managing to halt Batman for a second. Her voice is honest as she speaks.

_John loved you very much, Bruce. But he also knew you loved him, too. He knew very well._

And like a true psychiatrist, she knew how that was exactly what Bruce needed to hear. The amount of relief Bruce feels from that statement is unimaginable and silently he thanks her for that.

He leaves the asylum in time before the police arrive. He heads for a tall rooftop where he watches the moon set beyond the horizon and the sun rise slowly to fill the sky with soft yellows, pinks and violets.

He gazes on, feels the wind blow easily, crouching there on the ledge of the sixty-story building where it’s quiet and peaceful.

It’s not a Tuesday anymore. Jay got to leave on a Tuesday. Bruce doesn’t think it necessarily has to matter – he was late originally too after all. As long as he’s right behind him, he thinks, it’s going to be alright.

The aching doesn’t stop no matter the relief of knowing that Jay had felt loved with Bruce. It’s merely there along beside it. Perhaps it even amplifies it as it means that despite all of Bruce’s care for Jay, this all still managed to happen anyway. That maybe Bruce simple isn’t enough.

Or perhaps there’s another way.

Bruce might compare the rush in his ears to the buzzing of the lights in Jay’s room again. And so he wonders if this is how Jay felt too when he walked down the streets of Gotham for the first time.

He had told Bruce how it felt more even back in Arkham and for the first time, Bruce understands how that feels. 

Because suddenly the ground underneath Bruce’s feet feels anything but reliable. The stability is lost on him. The abyss of the still quiet streets of Gotham pulling him down. Bruce realizes there's probably no surface on Earth to hold him stable anymore. 

Bruce slips of the ledge, the edge swallowed up out of nowhere, and he begins plummeting through the air.

It’s nothing new but this time there’s this strange feeling of resigned happiness filling him. While Bruce knows he should spread his arms to open the cape, he doesn’t feel much like doing that as he looks past the tall skyscrapers into the sky filled with purple tones of late dawn. 

He feels that much closer to Jay already. And Bruce really wouldn’t mind having that as his last sight to hold.

The wind tears at his bare jaw and ripping at his fluttering cape but Bruce is smiling again. The chaotic feeling dissipating, stability retrieving. 

It almost feels like another Tuesday – a better one. When gravity would be the same for the both of them and the ground would feel even and solid. The lights would be bright enough and not too much. A day when they could thrive on each other instead of what's around them. A day nothing like yesterday. A day when neither one of the falls but when both rule the shape of their lives. 

Bruce won't close his eyes.

He wants to see as the sun keeps rising and chases away the purples and the darkness of the night in its way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you feeling alright?
> 
> I'm sorry about that. But remember this is just an alternate ending! It does not have to be yours. Just like in the game, you can choose your way. Just because you read it, doesn't mean it is still the one you'll pick. However, if you're in for this sort of thing, then do as you please and die along with me as I bury myself in the flowers Jay planted in the gardens. Those lovely purple ones will be laid on both of their adjacent graves in the Wayne burial grounds by Alfred and Tiffany. 
> 
> Yeah..  
> This last chapter was no drabble at all but it is what ended up happening. I really... I kind of hated writing this. I truly cried while doing this because I had to imagine it all so vividly at the same time - due to not being that great an author, I can't write it exactly how I would have wanted it to be but just thinking of the scenarios had me sobbing and trying to see through my tears as I typed. Maybe it didn't affect you as much as it did me but having got so close to these characters, it just really brought me down to see this happening to them. However, at the same time, I'm awful and I had to do it. I am my own worst enemy, truly.  
> I'm sorry how the chapter is also probably riddled with mistakes, but honestly I didn't have the heart to go through it once more for grammar and that because... I just don't have the heart! If one of you'd like to beta me on this, hit me up on tumblr but really, I can't do it myself right now. 
> 
> Also, come show me loving and fluffy headcanons at literallyabstract.tumblr.com/ask because I really need them!
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](https://literallyabstract.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> And one last time, thank you again for all the support you've showed me throughout making this fic. It's been so good to hear your responses to this story and I'd love nothing more to hear some about this chapter, too, if you have any thoughts on it :) If you just need to ask for a few tissues, I can arrange that too, I've got a box of them right here.
> 
> Update 2019: Dotty_Joy on Wattpad made a fic inspired by this ending but kind of midway through, you'll see what I mean when you read it, and has a much happier ending - or well, just happier in the a more general sense, 'cause you know, some might even think this ending's happy in its own way but ugh I don't know - and so here's the link if you're interested in that (my thanks to the author!): https://www.wattpad.com/680123600-security-footage-doesn%27t-lie-not-tusday


End file.
